I sat under the tree, book in hand, almost nodding off. I was done foraging for the day, and deliveries weren't due until the afternoon, and I was enjoying some quiet time away from the fairies. I turn the page lazily, soaking in the ornate images when I heard the unmistakable sound of a sword slowly being drawn. I glanced up, wondering if there was some wild animal about, and the town guard had been dispatched to stop it.
There was the point of a sword about an inch away from my nose.
I closed my book and sat up straight. There was a young human man with a wispy beard in black clothes and a black robe, pointing a black sword at me. I slowly stood and brushed off my skirt, my back against the tree.
"So... What's this about?" I asked, crossing my eyes at the sword in front of me.
The swordsman swallowed, and his sword wobbled a bit.
"Y-you're a goblin, right? What are you doing this close to the town?"
I felt myself wilt inside a bit. I hadn't dealt with this in a while.
"I live on the other side of town, I run a-"
"There's a goblin settlement that close to town?!"
I pushed his sword away from my face and stepped away from the tree, huffing in indignation.
"Just what time period do you think you're living in?!"
The swordsman swung his sword to face me again and took a step forward, pointing it with one hand.
"I have a flyer here that promises 5 silver per goblin I bring in, dead or alive, now, I'm trying to give you a chance, but if you don't comply-"
"5 fucking silver?! You'd kill me over the price of a sandwich? How little do you think of goblins?!" I interjected.
The swordsman grimaced and shook his head.
"No, it's not like that, goblins are troublemakers, you steal and hurt people, I'm just doing what's best for the community."
"And... was I stealing or hurting people? Was I causing any trouble?"
He looked at my book laying on the grass, and my cart full of goods.
"Well, that's for the magistrate to determine... Now, you need to come with me, or I really will-"
I spun around the blade and slipped my hand over his, pulling the sword from his loose grasp. I jumped back and pointed the blade at him, using both hands to keep it aloft. His mouth gaped open, and he slowly raised his hands in the air above his head. I frowned, I had known he was a beginner from his loose stance, but this was far too easy. He had to have fought at least once or twice before to get that fancy black gear he was wearing, right? Or maybe...
"Hey" I barked. "Are you rich?"
He glared at me and sneered. "Oh, so now it comes out, the true goblin nature. No, I'm actually fully broke, I don't have a cent to my name."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't know what a 'cent' is, but I was ASKING because you've got really nice gear, and obviously no experience fighting. What's up with that?"
He blushed and lowered his arms. "W-well, I came here with this stuff, and that sword, too. It's like, a boon to help me beat the demon lord, I was given it by the-"
I cackled and shook my head. "Dumbass, the demon lord isn't even a threat here, he's on the other side of the planet, what are you doing in the middle of bumfuck nowhere if you're supposed to be fighting that guy?"
"W-well she said I'd need to train up, and the journey... Look, I don't know, I just know I'm really really hungry, and I haven't eaten in two days, so would you please come with me so I can get that 5 silver?"
"So you WERE going to cut me in half for a sandwich! You bastard! That's just cruel, you know that? And no, I'm not going anywhere, I have the sword, and I don't feel like explaining to the town why I'm being arrested instead of delivering them their stuff."
He looked back over at my cart, full of mushrooms, berries, and other foraged goods. His eyebrows raised a bit and he looked back over at me.
"S-so you're like, a merchant?"
I shook my head. "No, I just do odd jobs mostly, including going out and getting stuff for the town, like this. I could have a full time job, but I have to take care of-"
"HEY." A deep voice yelled out. The swordsman jumped in terror, and I grinned. An extremely tall, light pink ogress stood behind him, her light grey shorts and tank top denoting her as a member of the town guard.
I waved at her, the sword dipping in my grip. "Heyyyy Altinaaaa" I sang
The swordsman looked up at her glaring down at him, her arms crossed and her white hair hanging around her face as she stared him down.
She glanced over at me and jerked a thumb at him. "This guy bothering you, Vervex?"
I nodded, enjoying the swordsman's fear as he fumbled for something in his jacket.
"No, look, look, see? I have a quest, I'm supposed to bring back goblins for 5 silver each, and-"
Altina yanked the yellowing paper he pulled out from his pocket out of his hands, and studied it, rubbing her tusks with one finger.
"This was put out by the adventure guild, where did you get this?"
He pointed back to the town "There was a board in one of the back alleys, there weren't many quests, so I just picked one, is something wrong?..."
I giggled, and Altina sighed. "The adventure guild pulled out of our country 5 years ago. Right after the civil-coexistance treaty was signed. This 'quest' is just trash someone never pulled off their wall."
"Oh... So... where do I find quests?"
She shook her head "We don't do 'quests' anymore, you can do favors for others, and you can work odd jobs, but the questing system is really only still used down south, below our borders, in the dark lands. Where did you say you were from?"
The swordsman straightened up to his full height, which was roughly a third taller than me, and a third shorter than Altina, and announced "My name is Edward Rigen, and I was sent here from a far away land by the goddess to defeat the demon lord!"
I busted out laughing and flopped on the ground. "Ooooh, a faaar awaaay laaand... And what kind of name is "Edward"? It sounds so stupid, you're just some homeless loser who lucked into someone's gear, aren't you?"
Altina sized him up. "I'd worry he killed someone for them, but he looks like he couldn't kill a slime..." She mused "and I've never heard of any goddess around these lands, the celestials all live over the seas, right?"
I shrugged "I think he's a bit... not quite there. Crazy homeless guy, is my bet."
Edward looked back and forth between me and Altina, and stuttered "N-no, I-I'm really a hero, I'm a chosen one! I was called from another world to save you!"
"Save me? Kid, you tried to cut me in half for a sandwich. Get out of here with that bullshit, 'save me', 'another world', really?"
Altina nodded and motioned for me to give her the sword. "I'd say you're a pretty disturbed individual, Edward, I'll need to keep an eye on you." she said, using a strap from her hip pack to peace tie his sword. She looked over at me and my cart.
"Need a ride back to town, Vervex? I could help you with your deliveries before I bring this guy in."
I beamed and nodded enthusiastically "Of course babygirl! You can join me any time!"
She gave me a light smile and stepped over to my cart, hefting the whole thing under one arm, with Edward under the other. I picked up my book and stowed it in my satchel, then scampered up her back to sit on her shoulder, holding on to one of her horns for balance.
"Onward, faithful steed!" I called out, propping my feet up on the back of Edward's head.
Altina chuckled, and we headed into town.
~~~
"Please, I want to go to jail already..." He moaned "My stomach hurts from being carried like this, and I'm so hungry..."
We ignored him, and I lead the way to the Flaming Barrel Inn, kicking open the doors with my boot and shouting as I entered.
"FIRE UP THE CAULDRON, FATH, I'M EARLY!"
Fath, the owner of the Inn, jumped at the noise, and peeked at me from over his glasses, blinking in the light pouring in through the door. I waved Altina to a table in the corner, one tall enough for her to sit at, and marched up to the counter.
"I got a good batch for you today, Fath, a big bundle of flavor! All good too, gobbo gay-run-tee!"
He looked at the basket and nodded "Well, it's a lot safer with a goblin nose than a human one, my last basket came from the butcher's kid, and I was picking out poisoned shrooms for an hour before I could make the soup..."
"Well, these are all good, my nose says so. And it's a bit over full, too, so... Maybe a bit of a favor too?"
Fath narrowed his eyes at me as he counted out the 6 gold pieces I was owed. "What kind of favor?..."
"Welllllll" I droned "I was kinda hoping for a free dinner for me and my friend... And one more, who's not really a friend, but I think he's about to pass out."
Fath looked over at the table and sighed. "It'd be an easy thing if your friend wasn't the biggest ogress in town, Vervex... I suppose I can help you this once though. Three breads, two soups, one big soup, three ales, and a wedge of cheese sound good?"
I thought about it. I'd only eat half a bread, so Altina could have my other half, same with the ale... I nodded.
"Sounds good, pleasure!" I said, and hopped off the counter and sauntered over to the table, pulling up a barstool so I'd be at table height.
"So are we ready to go?" Altina asked "I'm getting hungry too, and I still have to get this guy locked up before I go home."
I shook my head "Nope, dinner's on me, hot stuff. I called in a favor, we're eating here tonight, free of charge!"
Edward's eyes lit up and he leaned forward in his seat. "Do I get dinner too?" He asked, hopefully.
I look at him, and smirked. "No, you have to wait until you get to jail. They have hardtack for you there."
He groaned and slumped onto the table. Altina looked at me, surprised, and I stuck my tongue out at her.
"Aaaaaanywhoooo, Atina, what were you doing out by the pastures this afternoon?" I asked "I'm glad you were there, otherwise we'd have this guy's dead body to deal with, but it's a bit out of your usual range, isn't it?"
She glanced at Edward, who was glaring at me for the "dead body" comment, and pursed her lips. "Well, I was actually looking for this one here, I heard he was causing trouble around town, going through boxes and pots at the market, going into people's houses without asking, things like that. I was trying to find out if he was a threat, or just a vagrant."
"Ahh, ok, and as we both know, he's just a vagrant." I finished for her.
"That's just what you DO in this situation, it's not... I'm not... Ugh..." Edward mumbled from his arms.
Fath cleared his throat, and I looked behind me to see him and his two daughters with our food.
"Ahh perfect! Let's eat!" Altina said, reaching for the largest bowl of soup. I snagged a bread, and tore it in half, pushing the other half to her, and leaned away from the table as the rest of the food was laid out. Edward looked at the bowl of mushroom and vegetable soup in front of him with surprise.
"Wait, did you order me this?..."
"Of course, dumbass. Eat your food before you pass out or something." I tossed a bread to him and took a big gulp of my ale. "Ghahh I love ale... I can't have it at home, for... obvious reasons." I said, directed at Altina. She nodded, knowingly.
Edward looked between the two of us, confused. "why can't she have ale at home? Does she live with her parents or something?"
I snicker "my parents died, like, years ago, dumbass."
"Vervex runs this town's fairy sanctuary, her home and yard is designed to be as safe as it can be for the fairies of the area to live in. She has, what, 10 permanent residents?"
I nod "Yeah, and 4 more that live with me in the winter, or whenever they feel like it. But none of them have any sense; they got used to being safe, so now they're lazy and they expect ME to watch out for THEM, so if I drink at home, bad things may happen..."
Edward looked at me with renewed interest and a light in his eyes "Fairies..." he breathed "Would- would I be allowed to see them sometime?"
I shake my head "Absolutely not. They're not like, farm animals, they're people. They don't like being shown off or treated like a novelty. If you happen to see one, good for you, but no you can't just come to stare at them."
"Oh... Well what if I wanted to meet one? Like, as a person? Could you introduce me?"
I shake my head again "Wouldn't do any good, only longears like gobbos or elves can hear them, you'd just hear whispers, I'd have to translate everything."
He looked down, dejected, and took a pull of his ale. "Well, I should have the chance to see some in the wild I suppose, if I'm going to be traveling..."
We eat in silence for a bit, I passed the second half of my ale to Altina, and sop up the rest of my soup with my bread. It was a good feeling, a full, cozy, warm feeling, with the ale hitting just right.
"I can't believe thish...." Edward mumbled "Thish ishn't how sshe shaid it'd be..."
Altina and I exchanged looks, it would seem our table partner was a lightweight...
"And how was it supposed to be?" Altina asked, gently.
"I was shuposed to be stronk, an, an, shave the day, and I wash shupposed to have pretty girlsh giving me atenshion..." he moaned
I stood up on the rungs of my barstool and slapped the table. "HEY. Altina is giving you lots of attention, she carried you around all day!"
Edward shook his head "Nnnooooo, like... PRETTY girlsh, not like, muscle shcary ones with curly hornsh and giant teeth commin up out of their jawsh..."
Altina blushed and shrank back, one hand darting up to cover her tusks. I flared up, my temper rising. I climbed onto the table and walked over to Edward, slapping his cheek as hard as I could, sending him backwards, his chair tipping over.
"You DICK, she is OBJECTIVELY beautiful, you ungrateful asshat! I don't know what kind of beauty standards they have in your stupid 'far away land' but she is the perfect woman, and you need to shut the fuck up about your pathetic goddess; whatever she promised you isn't worth SHIT if you're too idiotic to look around you."
I felt hands on my back, and I heard Fath's voice as I was effortlessly lifted into the air "Alright miss Vervex, you've had enough, outside with you."
I stiffened angrily as I was carried out into the twilight streets and sat on a bench in front of the inn. I sat stewing for a few minutes before Altina exited, Edward over her shoulder, sleeping. She sat down next to me and looked over "You ok 'Vex?"
I puffed my cheeks, then let the air out slowly. "Yeah, I'm not drunk, I just- He's such an ass..."
She ruffled my shaggy hair and laughed softly. "I thought you were upset that he didn't consider YOU a pretty girl at first, you know."
I looked up at the blossoming evening sky and thought for a moment. "No, I'm used to that. It's rare I'm even seen as a girl, much less a pretty one. But you, you're just... so pretty, it just made me so mad to hear him try and tear you down."
Altina pulled me into a hug "That's what I like about you, Vervex, you're a selfless little treasure. For what it's worth, I think you're a pretty girl." She kissed the top of my head and my whole body went stiff with a lightning energy. I blushed hard and opened my mouth to speak, but she was already standing up.
"I'll put this guy in the cell for the evening, I'll deal with him in the morning. See you tomorrow, 'Vex?
I drew myself together, hoping she couldn't see the pink blush spreading across my grey green face and I saluted her sarcastically "Yes ma'am, miss guard, ma'am!" I said, standing to attention.
Her laugh followed me home, ringing in my head the whole way, my face still aflame.