The large man in front of me typed away at his computer, humming an old song and sipping his coffee. I watched him closely. He seemed distracted, but was he distracted enough to respond automatically? I lowered my chin and tried to deepen my voice as much as possible.
"Hey, Holstein?"
"Hm? What's up, Lumin?"
So not distracted enough after all... One day he'd mess up, he knew it was still me under this, I just knew it.
"It's Dr. Jack, not Lumin, Holstein." I griped
"It's Uncle Tedd, not 'Holstein', Lumin." He said back, sarcastically. "And no, Dr. Jack has been dead for years. I watched it happen, your mom made sure of it."
I sit back and look up at the vaulted ceilings of the temple. Ever since I hatched, I had been trying to explain that I WAS Dr. Jack, just stuck in a new body, but when someone as powerful as my mother said otherwise, it was a lost cause.
"What would it take for me to convince you, Holstein? I know your birthday, your favorite foods, I remember our dorm at university, I even I remember that time you drank too much sangria and-"
"Lumin, I swear to your mother, I will stuff your mouth with your own socks if you don't stop right there."
"So you admit that I remember?" I say, perking up.
"I admit you have phantom memories; the birthing process re-used a lot of the materials that she used to make you, the brain matter just had some left over neurons, that's all it is."
I stomped my foot in frustration. I had been saving that sangria story for months, waiting for the perfect time to pull it out, and he just... ignored it? Gave me the same line he'd been giving me for the last year and a half, like it didn't matter.
I was sick and tired of being treated like a child, I was a doctor, damnit, I went to school for biology, I outranked Holstein, or at least I used to, and I was being ignored and brushed past just because I was shorter now? I had had enough. I got out of the swivel chair and marched loudly across the entrance hall to the living quarters, making sure to hold my head up and act like I wasn't hurt by my former friend's refusal to acknowledge me. I got to the door, and snuck a look behind me at Holstein, hoping to see him at least a little upset. He was staring back at me, a smirk on his face that grew bigger as we eye contact. I huffed and slammed my way through the door.
In my room, my private room away from the scientists and doctors, I flopped onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling, stewing. No one took me seriously like this, I wanted to barge into the main hall of the temple and tell everyone what to do, barking orders in a flurry of papers like I used to, I wanted to be important and tall and respected...
I heard a knocking, and I glanced up to see Miss Sarah, my 'nanny' standing in the doorway. She was supposed to be watching after me, but seeing as I neither needed nor wanted looking after, she was mostly just a nuisance.
"Hey Miss Lumin... I heard some door slamming, are we doing ok?"
Are 'we' doing ok, like she was a part of this at all. She was just here to make sure I wasn't going to try and... do something? I forget exactly what. Something I got in trouble for, once, but whatever.
"Just the same old stuff, I'm sick of people treating me like a child, I'm a grown man for her sake..."
"Oh, I see.... Mm, Miss Lumin, I think that's the first time you've referred to yourself as a man the whole time I've known you, are you uncomfortable in your body?"
I sat up, confused. "What? I tell you I'm Dr. Jack all the time, and he's a guy. I mean- I'm him, so. Ugh, anyway, Of course I'm uncomfortable, I'm a child, I hate this..."
She sat down beside me and shook her head. "No, Lumin, I mean are you uncomfortable being a girl? I know Dr. Jack's old memories are confusing, but do you wish you were a boy right now?"
I stoped fussing, and stared at her. Then I looked down at myself, the yellow dress, the long rusty hair, the mary janes my mother insisted I wear, and I think.
"I- I don't know, I don't really care I guess, it doesn't bother me to be a girl, I guess it's normal, but I just don't like being a child, that's the main thing."
"And... if you were an adult, and treated how you were before, but were still a girl, would you be ok with that?"
I felt a weird feeling inside me, like emotions and thoughts I didn't know existed were shuffling deep down.
"Well... Yeah, I think that sounds pretty ok... I don't mind, I just- I don't want to talk about this, ok?"
Miss Sarah nodded and stood up. "Well Miss Lumin, I think that was a wonderful breakthrough we've just made, do you feel any better, or do you need more time to process it?"
"...I don't know what you mean by breakthrough, but... yeah, I need some time, go away."
"Ok, I'll be back later, your mother wants to see you soon, ok?"
She left, and I walked over to my computer, turning it on. I poke around on the limited internet, and consider posting another rant about my situation on CirNet, but... the last time I posted, people just started arguments about if my mom was 'cooling the planet to death' or if I should be allowed to have an account since I wasn't "legally" 13. I was 13 enough, I looked about that old too, so the whole "2 year old" jokes and jabs were unwanted and unnecessary. I found some people talking about a new 'angel' in Valley City, but they didn't know what god she was working for. She was halfway across the planet anyway, so I'm sure we didn't have to worry about her. My mother had a very strong control over the gods and their chosen in our area so we should be fine.
I spent a bit more time poking around online, trying not to think about the glaring contradictions between my memories and my gender. It was... Too much. Maybe Dr. Jack was trans, and didn't know? Or- damnit, maybe I was trans I mean. I didn't remember anything like that though, I think I would, it's kind of a big deal from what I understand? Maybe my mom changed me to be ok with being a girl once she saw I was a girl? Or maybe because I have a new brain, it's just a girl brain, and- No, damnit, I still have Dr. Jack's- MY brain, it's just rearranged. So... maybe the gender part got rearranged too?
Maybe I just wasn't thinking about it right... I focused on myself and tried to find parts of me that felt uncomfortable the way they were... I felt too short? Ok, close but not that... I felt like people didn't take me seriously, was that misogynistic to blame that on me being a girl? I think so... My shoes pinched the tops of my feet, but that was more physical than mental...
I shook myself out of it, no matter how deep I looked, I just didn't have any kind of dysphoria, and that was... concerning. I was starting to understand what Miss Sarah meant by "breakthrough" and I wasn't happy about it. My identity was on the line here, if I'm Dr. Jack, and Dr. Jack is a man, but I'm not a man... Wait, if A is equal to B, and B is equal to C, but A isn't equal to C... Something was wrong, something didn't line up, something was-
The door opened and Miss Sarah poked her head in.
"Hello Miss Lumin, your mother wants to see you now!"
"I shudder, freeing myself of the problem, and follow her out of the room. I walked quietly, thinking to myself as we walked, thinking about all the things I knew from my life as Dr. Jack, and thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't actually Dr. Jack, if I really was just a kid with parts of her dad's memories. I didn't know if I like what I imagined.
We arrived at the big double doors leading into the temple's main hall, and they swung open a crack, just enough to let us through into the massive room. There, sitting on a massive cushion against the back wall, was my mother. Forty feet tall sitting down, mostly humanoid, fully bare. Her dozens of mouths all split open in razor sharp smiles as I walked in, and her tendrils all fluttered with excitement. She leaned forward, laying on her stomach to get her face closer to us, and folded her top set of arms under her chin for support, the thick, fleshy roots coming out of her back and into the earth still throbbing with heat. Her four main eyes locked onto us, and she spoke, her voice terrifying and commanding, filling the room with her will and power.
"Hello, babycake! Are you doing ok today? I had a long, long day of managing things, but I just knew I had to be free tonight for your special day! How has it been so far, sweetie?"
"I- It's, I- I had a lovely time, m-mother, I- it's been a lovely day, thank you..." I choked out, my troubles forgotten in the face of her might.
"Miss Lumin had a bit of a breakthrough, earlier, your worship, she is well on her way to being her own person, instead of trying to copy her father." Miss Sarah said, proudly.
My mother's eyes slid over to her, cold and bored.
"Peon, leave."
Miss Sarah jumped at that, and bowed quickly before running back the way she came. My mother looked back to me, her gaze softening again.
"Is that true, my lovely? Your father was a wonderful man, but I wouldn't want you to follow his footsteps... I want you to be your own, lovely sweet girl, ok?"
I swallowed hard, and took a breath. "M-mother, did you- did you edit any part of me? To make me more like a girl? I know you don't think I'm Dr. Jack, but I still have his memories, and he was a boy, but I'm not, but I don't care, and I feel like I should, and I don't understand-"
A soft, fleshy tendril pressed itself to my lips and I clamped up, realizing I had been babbling. My mother stroked my head with one massive finger then slid it under my chin, pointing my face up towards hers.
"No, honey, I didn't change a thing. I couldn't, once I started using your father's parts to make sure you came out ok, it was out of my hands. Your brain is your own, if you want to be a girl, that comes from you, sweetie."
"What do you mean... 'come out ok'?"
She frowns slightly, and a chill ran down my spine, had I said something wrong?
"Well, love, I admit, I was... not a patient mother. I used your father's brain as a template, and his parts as material so you'd be able to talk and walk when you hatched, 6 months was already so long to wait for my child, I didn't want you to be unable to function, too. And our kind ages so slowly, it could have been decades before you even called me 'mama' if I hadn't used him..."
"Oh... Well..." I think about how frustrating my life is now, how much it hurts to be treated like a child, if I had been a baby instead... It would have been hell. "I- I understand, I knew you used him to make me, I didn't know why..."
She kissed me on the head, her lips bigger than my head by several measures. My chest tightened and I missed a breath as I thought of all the people I'd seen pass through those same lips, to the waiting rows of teeth behind them. As she sits up, she smiles slyly, and leans back against her cushion again.
"You're welcome, babycake, but I called you here for a reason, too... It is the second anniversary of your laying after all!" She turned to the side door and called out "Ok, bring it in!"
The doors swung open, and a large cake, half of it decorated with what looked like blood and entrails, and half of it covered with bright, pastel frosting, was rolled in. My eyes widen, the cake was easily as tall as I was, and three times as wide. An out of breath Dr. Holstein stood by it, having been the one to have pushed it in. Miss Sarah slipped in behind him, making eye contact with the ground the whole time. I was guessing she was invited, but after being removed, she was unsure if she should still be here or not.
A couple more people came in through the front doors, Almia; my mother's advisor, Gurnan; my mother's chosen, Dr. Abby; the resident representative from the GGDS, and a few more people I didn't recognise. Gurnan pulled the offering table over from the entrance to where I stood, her tentacles flexing dramatically, and a few of the temple workers brought in chairs.
I sat at the table, across from my mother. The bloody and gory side of the cake laying in its entirety in front of her on a bronze platter, the pastel side on the table next to me. I cut a part off the top and pass the knife to Miss Sarah who took over cutting the cake from there. I look at the cake being cut apart, the words "Happy Birthday Lumin!" in light blue frosting being slowly destroyed. It felt... Sad, almost. I take a bite and the salty, sweet creamy flavor of the icing made me shiver. It was good, much better than the temple cook's usual. My mother must have brought in a baker for this...
I look up at her, staring down at me, her eyes wide, her sharp teeth splitting her face, a look of love. She really did care for me... Dr. Jack or not, she cared, I had someone who would be there for me if I was upset, who would get a special cake for me and make sure I could eat part of it even if she didn't like it, who wanted me. That was a lot more than Dr. Jack ever got from his family. Maybe...
Maybe being Dr. Jack wasn't as important as I thought it was...