We sat around the table, Alele holding my right hand gently, her thumb rubbing the back through my glove. It'd been a couple days since the... attack, and we were finally having a meeting about it. My heart was pounding in my chest as Oori got his notes in order and Debbie messed with her tablet. If they started showing videos of the attack, Alele would see what happened, and-
She'd not mentioned me finally accepting her advances at the party, I didn't even know if she remembered, but she'd dialed back her usual flirting to a minimum, preferring to hold my hand or to pat my shoulder when we were together or met in the common areas. Our friendship had changed, but I couldn't tell if that was because she was treating me carefully after I'd lost a friend, or if she was thinking of me in a different way... This meeting would shed some light on the situation, I hoped, but I was still afraid of the outcome.
"Alright girls, thank you for meeting here today, I know the past few days have been rough, and I want to offer my deepest condolences to the whole team." Oori said "We're here today to discuss what went wrong and how we can fix it moving forward, I'd like to start by showing footage of the event..."
I cringed and slid my hand away from Alele, folding it under the other one in my lap. She frowned at me, but didn't say anything or reach back out to take it again as the first video played on the overhead screen. It featured security footage from the cameras in our lobby, and it showed one of the guys in ball caps walk up behind Alele and casually pull a black metal club out of his pants, swinging it at her head. She dropped like a rock, and the rest of the guy's group moved in fast. The video stopped, and Oori stepped forward again.
"This attack would have been hard enough to avoid in the field, and it was even more difficult during a party, but the fact that the culprit was able to pull out a weapon and attack before anyone noticed or reacted, despite all of you being there speaks to how lowered your guards are." he sighed "We have to work on raising your guard in every situation, and unfortunately, training is the only way to do it. You need to be aware that an attack could come from anywhere at any time from everyone."
"So, how do we go about training for that?" Galorna asked
"It's difficult..." Oori said "the easiest way is also the most dangerous to civilians. My idea was to spread toy weapons to members of Lorgiaia's congregation and have them attack you at random, but if you responded the way you're supposed to, they could get seriously injured."
"What's the solution?" Drizti asked
"We're going to give each of you girls the weapons instead, and some other other trusted people you may encounter." Oori said "If you hit someone with an attack without them noticing first, you get a point, and if you dodge or nullify the attack, you also get a point. The person with the most points at the end of the month will get a fifty thousand blessing budget to upgrade or modify the base, however they like."
"Fifty thousand?!" Alele asked, standing up partway "That's- we could practically re-furnish the whole base for that!"
"Or buy new specialized equipment for the gym, or install a real spa in the shower room, or even just spend it all on one's own room." Debbie said "It's going to encourage you to be aware constantly, and if we can avoid another mess like this, it's worth dipping into the budget."
I raised my hand "Uh, c-can I sit out of this one? My... reactions may end up hurting people permanently..."
Debbie shook her head "Everyone plays, but since you mentioned your reactions..."
She pressed a button on her tablet and the next video played, a round one that was obviously taken from a phone instead of a real camera. It was panning the party and stopped as Alele got hit, and zoomed in on our group. Almost as soon as Alele started to fall, Fem-Butch was in motion, moving for the assailant only to be dropped by a taser to the throat by someone behind her. I watched myself step back and a man reached around my neck, his jacket the only thing keeping him from being turned into a treat on the spot. His gun pressed against my head and I froze, my face looking more scared than I'd ever seen myself look. My whole body locked up, and as the rest of the team were grabbed too, I didn't move an inch.
"This is... hard to talk about, because it's a private thing." Oori said "But as a team, we need to discuss it because it directly affected the outcome of the fight. Angel Rouge, you locked up as soon as the man grabbed you and you didn't move until you were prompted to by Forica, and then you froze up a second time right away. Can you talk about that?"
I pulled my knees up and lowered my head. I could not talk about this right now... I couldn't even think of it, Alele was going to hate me, I hated me. I was just so wrapped up in my own head, and it was happening again, I couldn't even respond to a fucking question about why I couldn't react...
"It's- she was grabbed like that when she fought Homicide, I think it freaked her out..." Drizti said, looking over at me worriedly
"I- I couldn't think, everything was all fuzzy, I couldn't even see right..." I forced out, shaking my head "I don't know, I just- can we not watch any more?"
"This is something you'll have to deal with regularly as long as you're a hero, Angel Rouge." Debbie said "You're going to be in dangerous situations and you'll have to deal with them. Locking up like that isn't ok."
I put my head between my knees and looked at my feet, my socks were fraying, I needed new ones soon...
"That's not how to deal with something like this, we can't just say 'get better at it' and expect her to be ok." Galorna argued "She fought the bug doctor guy just fine, and she beat the guy that stole that cannon thing without having problems, and she was actively being killed that time. This is obviously just related to her getting grabbed, it's not like she's doing anything wrong in most encounters."
"I just didn't want to make him live in my fridge..." I muttered "I tried so hard not to touch him..."
"Well, I'm glad you didn't use your power on him at least, we're scrambling to make this look good for us, and if you'd turned the man into a cookie we'd be fucked." Debbie sighed "Still, the fact that a civilian was the first of you to act..."
The next video played, and I didn't watch as I heard the sounds of a muffled conversation, a struggle and gunshots. Then, Forica yelling, and finally the horrible screeching noise and a splatter. I hugged my knees tighter and cried into my jeans. I had failed, I'd let her die because I was too scared to move, too scared to risk touching the man, too overwhelmed to push her out of the way. I was a failure and I'd let everyone down and a girl who trusted me died because of it. And now Alele had seen too. She'd watched me fail and let someone die, she knew how pathetic I was.
I felt something on my back and I tensed up, freezing. I looked up slightly, and saw Alele reaching over, her long fingernails lightly scratching my back as she rubbed my shoulder. She looked... worried and upset, the look of pity on her face wasn't what I expected, but it hurt almost as much as if she'd just been angry with me. Her hand drifted up just high enough to brush my neck, the faintest touch, and I tasted blueberry-mint.
She watched me closely, her hand keeping me grounded. She... she trusted me, enough to touch me, even if only for a split second. If she could trust my power, trust me... maybe I needed to trust myself more too, or at least trust Lorgiaia. I knew my power was given to me for a reason, and not using it had failed to keep Forica alive, if Alele wasn't afraid of it, if she could give me her trust like that... I think I needed to work my way up to being ok with it, slowly. I couldn't let another Forica happen, I couldn't fail my team, or Lorgiaia, or Alele... I hoped I'd never be in a situation where I'd need to do it, but if even one person could be saved, I'd do my very best to... do whatever it took to save them.
"That's the main footage we wanted to go over..." Oori said "Now, I wanted to break down everyone's actions, not just Angel Rouge's, and I'd like to get a report from Galorna on her fight outside as well."
"Once we've got the whole picture, we'll start working on the press conference." Debbie said "I'm already working on a few ideas for how we approach this..."
I let the words fade to a muffled thump, and focused on Alele's hand and imagined the taste of blueberries and mint.
~~~
"...and so it is with a heavy heart that we dedicate the newly re-built Lorgiaia's Angel's cafe to Forica Homn. She gave her life for ours and for the safety of the city. We may be chosen, but she is a true hero." Galorna said from her place in front of the podium "We will also be starting an organization in her name. We... didn't clear this with our church, Lorgiaia hasn't approved this, but it's something we here in section 247 think is important. According to those who were with her in the moment of her passing, her last wish was to help found and support a group of heroes, not a team, but an organization of like minded people like her. Here to talk about her vision is a friend to Lorgiaia's Angels and one of the last people to speak to Forica, Fem-Butch."
She stepped off the platform and Elma stepped up, her gas mask off and her goblin features on display, complete with traditional war paint and braids.
"She had a vision of normalized monsters." Elma said, gripping the podium "She wanted dryads like herself, oni like Galorna, abominations like Amaryllis, and yes, even already normalized monsters like myself to be free from the burdens of our pasts without sacrificing them. The labels used to hurt us in the past will not be used to hurt us anymore! We're forming the Forican Monster's League, and we're going to make her dream come true."
She pointed out at the crowd "How many of you would have walked past her on the street if she'd been attacked by a follower of Turganth? How many of you saw her death and thought 'well, at least there were no real casualties.'? How many of you saw her as anything more than a prop for political and social messaging? I'm guessing a lot more of you than would be willing to admit it... We're not considered 'monsters' by the GGDS anymore, no, but we're still seen as monsters by the people we meet in the streets every day, and you know what?"
Elma raised her fist in the air "I refuse to let that be a bad thing! I'm proud my mother was a goblin! I'm honored to know Galorna, and Amaryllis deserves to be seen as the intelligent and kind person she is! We don't want our history to be erased, our oppression to be covered up, our lives to be used as a tool to make the GGDS look good. Our past is a part of us and we're going to wear it with pride!"
Amaryllis stepped up next to her, her metallic, emotionless voice sounding out over the crowd "I refuse to be treated as less of a person than the rest of you. We all do. Call us monsters, call me an abomination, you can even call a skeleton an inhuman, but we're all still people, and Forica wanted to see us live our lives as equals, with all of our histories and quirks understood and accepted."
Galorna stepped back up to the microphone and took it for herself "I remember when I was younger having to pass myself off as an ogre because yokai were still considered monsters to be hunted and killed... I tried so hard to hide my oni heritage from the people at school because I was afraid of being targeted for it. I knew we were 'allowed' to call ourselves ogres legally, because they'd been de-monsterized already, but in our home, my parents always made sure I remembered I was an oni, a yokai through and through."
She reached up and touched her horns, her fingers tracing the missing tip "I was, and still am, so, so proud to be an oni, and I want everyone around me to know it. I want every child to be able to be proud of who they are, whether their race was de-monsterized for The Great War a hundred years ago, or if it was just de-monsterized as part of the last wave with the rest of us a few years ago. We don't need to just be 'people like anyone else', we need to be ourselves, and the world needs to let us."
The crowd clapped and I remembered to join them after a moment. I'd managed to avoid giving a speech myself, Debbie had really, really wanted me to because I was so close to Forica, but I'd managed to convince her that letting Forica's last wishes speak for themselves would be better. I couldn't get up and speak about the movement because I was human, so I was sitting alongside the other girls, wearing black gloves to show I was mourning, and keeping my head down. I didn't think I'd have been able to say anything anyway, I was still too torn up about my failure, how could I go up there and talk about how I was her friend if I just stood there and watched her die? In front of a crowd of people who'd watched the video of me watching her die? I rolled the piece of hard candy I'd been eating over in my mouth and waited for the event to end. I'd tried to find blueberry mint candy, but no one sold that for some reason, so I was just eating mints, then following that up with a blueberry hard candy. I'd need to commission someone to make me some, surely there was a candy maker that took requests, right?
The meeting droned on, and after a few words from Oori and Lorgiaia's husband, we all stood and had a moment of silence before making our way off the stage and into the lobby of our headquarters. It was still closed to the public, it hadn't been too damaged in the fight, but they wanted to 're-build' it so the dedication to Forica made more sense. I walked over to the counter, and ran my hand over the slightly sticky surface. I hadn't seen Arnie in almost a week now and I was starting to miss him, him and his ever-ready smoothies and slushies, of course. He'd be back next week though, and I'd made sure he was getting paid for his time off. It wouldn't do for him to have to find another job after all.
"Ah, Candy! I wanted to talk to you!" a voice said from behind me. I turned to see Lorgiaia's husband standing behind me with a smile
"Oh, I was... surprised to see you on stage, I thought you liked to keep your position a secret?" I asked him
He shook his head "I was here as the outreach manager today, not as a husband. I do have a real job, you know!"
"I see..." I said. He was way too upbeat about this memorial service... Memorial press conference? Either way, he was still too happy about it.
"I wanted to talk to you about your powers..." he said, resting his hand on my shoulder "My wife is... concerned."
"With- with my powers?" I asked, my eyes widening. I hadn't talked to her since before I got them, was something wrong with them? Was that why they were so fucked?
"Yes, you see... she's noticed that you've only used them on two occasions, and she's concerned that you might not understand the point of them."
"I... She knows when I use my powers?" I asked, shocked
"She does! She's been trying to encourage you to use them, gently, of course, but you're still not using them. Is there a problem you'd like to talk about? Do you not like sweets? She was very sure you'd share her fondness for sweets once you got into your role..."
"No, I- I like sweets, it's- they're all I eat." I said, my head spinning. Encourage me? So the rumors about being influenced by the gods were true, what had she been pushing me to do?
"Um..." I followed up "She knows that me using my power... kills people, right? I can't un-do it..."
"You're not meant to undo it, Candy." he said gently "You're meant to accept the treats as a gift! They're for you to use and grow, don't be afraid of them!"
"But- I'll kill people!" I said, shaking my head
"No, no you're not killing them, you're just making them into a new shape!" he said, giving my shoulder a squeeze and taking my hand in his free one "They're still alive, you're not killing them at all!"
"But either I doom them to be in my fridge forever, or I eat them, which does kill them." I said, fighting the urge to step back "It's either a fate worse than death, or actual death at that point."
"Eating them doesn't kill them, you... absorb them." he said "You're changing them into power and energy to do Lorgiaia's will! Think of it as... a form of traumatic conversion instead of a death."
"Traumatic conversions legally require written consent..." I replied warily. I didn't want to argue too hard, he was literally my boss's boss's husband, but those methods were restricted for a reason.
"If the case goes to the GGDS, we can tell them the eaten individuals are in limbo, it's not a problem, but we really need to start seeing you use your power more, you've missed three good, justifiable situations to use it!"
"Are the victims in limbo?" I asked. If that was the case, maybe it'd be ok, we could pull the souls out once we figured out where in limbo they went, and use artificial bodies to-
"There are no victims yet, they're nowhere." he said "But if you were to eat them... they'd be in a sort of limbo. At least until their power ran out."
I frowned "And after their power ran out?"
He grinned "They'd be sent to Samsara, of course!"
"So... they would be dead if I ate them." I said, my shoulders dropping
"No no no, they'd skip the death part, just straight to rebirth, they may even keep some of their old memories and skills that way, you'd be doing them a favor!"
I finally stepped away "Tell your wife I'll... think about it. If it's life or death, I'll do it. Other than that, I... need to think on it."
"Ok, I'll let her know." he winked "Remember, you're the strongest one on the team by far, I'd hate to see you waste that potential!"
He turned and walked away, practically gliding away from me, his robes flaring behind him. My stomach turned over and I shuddered. I felt worse now, I was being told two different things by my bosses, and I'd already decided to use my powers if I needed to, so him pressuring me into doing it more just made the whole thing feel like a slippery slope. I felt the familiar buzz in my head and sighed. I'd need to get sweets from my room if I wanted to keep my thoughts together for much longer...
~~~
I stared at the slice of pie in the fridge and watched it, the radio playing softly next to it. It hadn't changed at all, it wasn't soggy or moldy or anything, it still looked like a perfect piece of pie, just waiting on me to eat it. I reached out my hand and felt the crust, feeling the spark inside thrumming. The gummy worms didn't really feel like this, they were inert, stagnant somehow, this was... a soul.
I picked it up, and instantly the spark inside began to jitter, to jump around like it was trying to escape. I brought it to my face and inhaled, the scent of pumpkin pie filling me, my mind growing sharper, my heart beating stronger. I was supposed to eat this, I needed to, to become stronger, to fulfill the path that Lorgiaia had set in front of me. I knew I should, being locked in a dim fridge listening to top 40s hits and random chosen fight highlights all day must be like hell, it'd be a good thing to put end it, to make it all stop.
"I... I don't want to eat you..." I whispered to the pie. The spark stopped dead, not moving at all
"I think I need to though, right?" I asked, putting my lips on the side of it, almost in a kiss "I think I'm supposed to. I don't want to be the kind of hero that k-... sends people into Samsara, but... I think I'm meant to be, don't you?"
The spark flew into a frenzy, bouncing against the 'walls' of the prison and spinning quickly. I wondered if I could communicate with it like this, it could hear me after all... Of course, why would I want to? It was evil and would try to hurt me, and it was just food at this point, right? I braced myself to take a bite, just a tiny bite, I'd just have a little, a little, bit by bit, I'd ease into it...
A knock on my door jolted me, and I almost dropped the pie. I calmed my heart and slid it back onto the shelf. I swear to god, if it was someone with a toy gun trying to shoot me for points, I'd smack them...
"Coming!" I called out, and took a last look at the pie. It had a kiss mark on it from my lips, bleeding slightly from where I'd damaged it, looking for all the world like a lipstick stain. I licked my lips and tasted the blood that had transferred to them, the sweet, spicy, cloying flavor filling my mouth and I felt my whole body tense and my mind solidify. I closed and locked the fridge and walked to the front of my apartment. I swung open the door to see Alele, holding a large box of expensive gourmet chocolates and a thin bottle of wine.
"Hey..." she said "I know today was rough, with the ceremony and all, and how people are kinda tearing you to pieces on CirNet, I thought we could have a nice treat and watch that miniseries about the TitheBreakers you were telling me about, ok?"
"I haven't even been on CirNet..." I admitted "I'm too scared to see how many followers I've lost over this, she was the only reason I had any at all and I..."
"No, it's ok." Alele said "We all freeze up sometimes, I understand. Last time someone held you like that you ended up getting the worst power any of us had ever seen, it's traumatic."
I felt a slight weight go off my back, so she didn't hate me... I didn't know until just now, I'd... been too afraid to ask, but if she didn't blame me, maybe she'd still be ok with... with me after all. I took the chocolates from her.
"I... I'd love to show you that one, it's my favorite." I said "I was just about to find something to feed my power, these chocolates are perfect."
"And I got ice wine, your fav!" she said, wiggling the bottle at me "It'll be nice, come on, put on a hoodie so I can hold you, ok?"
"Hold me?" I asked
"Yeah, hold you, like in the hospital?" she said "And... I know it's a shitty way to find out, but I was watching the videos of me being hit in the head, to see how I could do better in the future? I don't actually remember it, but you..."
"Yeah, I asked you to dance, you won me over." I said, giving her a small smile "I hoped you'd remember it, but... as long as you know."
"...To be honest..." Alele said "I've never been in a real relationship, I'm not sure what to do now that I have you..."
I led her inside and shut the door behind her "But you're always talking about how much sex you have?"
"Sex, yeah. Sex with friends, sex with hookups, sex with whoever played the show I went to that night, whatever, I'm an elf, it's part of our culture, but relationships aren't really something we encourage aside from for political reasons..." she said "I've been interested in having one before though, and I flirt with everyone I like, but once I sleep with someone, the interest fades."
"Well... that won't happen with me." I said sadly "I couldn't- we can't-"
"Yeah, and honestly? That's why I'm drawn to you." Alele admitted "I know it's you I like, and not like... what I can get from you."
I got out the corkscrew and two glasses, setting them on the coffee table.
"Well... I like you too. You annoyed and confused me at first if I'm being honest, and I thought I scared you off when I got my power, but... you really grew on me." I said "I'm really glad to have you here with me."
"You getting your power threw a wrench in my plans." Alele said "I wanted to sleep with the whole team, one by one, then all at once. It was a goal I'd set for myself. Then you got your power and all I could think about was it going off mid-fun and ruining everything, I was scared, I was upset, I was disappointed..."
I pulled off my dress shirt and replaced it with the hoodie I'd been living in every moment it was clean for the past week and flopped down beside her on the couch "I'm really sorry it didn't work out... for the record, I'd have never agreed to the 'all at once' thing, that's... not me."
"Yeah, yeah..." Alele smiled "Hey, if we're going to be like, you know, actually doing the relationship thing, I gotta know... are we exclusive? I'm asking because I don't know how you feel about it, but like, I'm an elf, so..."
"If you want to have sex I don't care." I said quietly "I just... please don't tell me about it, I'd get sad I couldn't give you that. But I'm not about to tell you you can't have fun, I don't own you."
"That's fair, yeah." Alele said "Here, lay down on my lap, ok?"
I slid over and carefully lowered my head onto her legs, looking up at her, my hoodie in place around my ears and head. She smiled down at me and reached over me to the table, her stomach pressing into the side of my face.
"Here, open up, I wanna feed you." she said
"That's a bad idea, if you touch my mouth with your fingers..." I protested, but she was already poking me with a piece of chocolate
I carefully took it in my mouth and chewed it, the nuts and caramel would make it hard to talk, so I just watched her while I ate it. I savored it as she ate a piece herself and swallowed, watching her fiddle with the remote, trying to find the show we'd be watching.
She looked down and grinned "Another?"
I nodded, and she reached forward again, and this time I savored the feeling of her tummy on my cheek, her cashmere top soft and warm on my skin. She pulled back and had another piece of chocolate in her hands, this one flat and thin. She lowered it to my mouth and I bit it, taking it from her slowly.
"It's like I'm feeding the world's coziest manticore..." she said, rubbing my head through the hoodie "The way the tamers hold the meat by the ends and drop it right as the beast bites? I feel like that."
I chewed the chocolate, it was dark chocolate and mint, and I thought of the brush I'd had with her skin a couple days ago.
"This one reminds me of you..." I said
She frowned "Why, exactly?" she asked, suspicious
"You're mint. Blueberry-mint. Mint reminds me of you." I said simply
Her eyes widened "Is... that why you've been eating those hard candies the past few days? Because they taste like... me?"
I nodded, the back of my head shaking her thighs "Yyyyup."
"That's... a little creepy." Alele said "I get it, but... eating candy because it tastes like what I would taste like if you used your power on me is kinda scary."
She thought for a moment "Do you want to use your power on me?"
I blinked, my mind processing what she'd said "Is that an offer?"
"No! Gods no, I just- I was wondering if you had like, a pull to do it or something. If one little touch made you start stealing mints out of the receptionist's bowl, is it telling you to grab me?"
"I don't want to use my power on anyone..." I muttered "But Lorgiaia had her hubby talk to me, apparently they're disappointed in me for not using it during my fights..."
"...Yeah, Lorgiaia maybe isn't the best goddess in the pantheon..." Alele said "Don't get me wrong, she's better than a lot of them, but like, I was reading up on it because I was worried about you, and the reason she hasn't had any chosen for so long was probably because her champions turned on her in The Great War."
"They did?" I asked, shocked "But- they were healers."
"She put restrictions on who they could heal and how much they could heal people, based on what god the injured followed." Alele shook her head "They got mad and left her church, taking her power with her."
"I guess she figures everyone's forgotten, huh?" I asked
"I guess. I hope she's grown as a person since then." Alele said "She didn't tell Driz who to heal at least. Hey, is this the show?"
I glanced at the screen, a mouse beastwoman and a noblewoman were back to back, ornate text around them in one of the dead languages of the north-western monoculture translating to "The TitheBreakers".
"Yeah, that's it. You'll like it." I said
"Cool, I like stuff about beastmen." Alele said, getting another piece of chocolate for me "I like to imagine myself as one, sometimes."
I smiled "What beast would you have been?" I asked her around the mouthful of sweets
"Oh, I'd be a heron, of course!" she said "What about you?"
"I guess a cat..." I sighed "I've got the temperament."
"Lucy would be a badger, I bet." Alele said thoughtfully "And Galorna... It feels wrong to say cow, just because of her horns. Maybe a tiger?"
"Tiger is good, yeah, and Drizti..."
The opening scene for the miniseries started, and the main character, a young mousegirl named Souris stepped out of a boat, her skirts and ears framed in the light of the sunset.
Alele and I both pointed at the screen at the same time "Mouse." we said together
I laughed lightly, and sighed "Thanks for coming over, Alele." I said "I was doing really badly."
"It's ok, I figured." she said "You gotta sit up though, I want some wine, and I'm not going to try and pour it directly into your mouth."
"Fiiiine" I said, sitting up slowly "But when the wine is gone I'm laying down again."
"Ok by me!" Alele said "I offered, you accepted, my lap is yours forevermore."
We sipped our wine and watched the show quietly. Alele asked a few questions about the characters and setting, but mostly we just sat. Before long, the wine was gone and I had a warm feeling in my stomach. I lay back down on Alele, and she snorted and fed me another chocolate. I'd seen this show several times before, so I watched her watching the show instead, seeing her eyes flicker to the different characters and to the dresses, seeing her smile at the jokes and frown at the out-dated views on humanity. You could learn a lot about someone from how they watched something...
My thoughts flowed to what I'd been doing right before she came in, and I remembered the taste of the blood, and the rush it gave me. The worms were muted, it didn't feel as good to eat them, they weren't real and I could taste the difference. I couldn't tell if I still wanted to eat the pie or not now, but I knew, morally, I shouldn't. It was... he was still alive, and just because he couldn't be turned back didn't mean I had to eat him. I did want to though, or- no, my power wanted me- No, Lorgiaia wanted me to, that was it. She was whispering at me to do it, and the longer I spent not eating people, not being who she wanted me to be, the more she'd press. Maybe... I was the person who fought back, the person who decided not to follow the will of the gods, or to just deny them this one thing. I didn't see it though, I didn't even want to go to rallies to support my friends, I could never stand up to the gods...
I re-focused back on Alele and felt a pang of loss at something I'd never had. I wanted to reach up and kiss her, a real kiss, not a shitty pity kiss on prom night. I deserved a real kiss, didn't I? And here I was, my head in the lap of someone who wanted to kiss me and who I wanted to kiss, and I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't really care too much about the other stuff, the stuff she probably was most interested in, but a kiss... I thought of her blueberry-mint flavored mouth against mine and imagined her collapsing into a small blue and white striped mint, my lips still pressed into it. I felt... strange at that though. Guilty that I wasn't horrified, but interested in a way that made the horror feel unimportant.
"Hey, Alele?" I asked
"Mh? More chocolate?" she asked, reaching for the box
"No- well, yes please, but... I was wondering... If the worst happens..."
"The worst?" she asked, holding a small, round ball of chocolate and looking at me worriedly
"If we touch too long, if I turn you into a treat..." I looked for the right words "What would you want me to do with you? Should I eat you?"
She blanched and shook her head, poking the chocolate into my lips "Fuck no. I don't want to be in a fridge either, ugh. I don't want to think about it, Candy..."
"But- just in case, so I know?" I asked
"Well- I guess just treat me like a person, like, make sure I'm comfortable, talk to me, maybe take me places, I don't know, but don't eat me, fuck..."
I thought about it. It'd be weird bringing food around places or talking to it, but if it was really her, and I knew it was her... I could do that.
"Ok, Alele, if it ever happens, I'll do that."
"Mm, well... just make sure it never does, ok?" she said, shivering "I like you, but no one likes anyone that much."
"Yeah, I get it." I said "Sorry for the weird question."
"It's a fair thing to ask, just, don't bring it up again, ok? Now hush, I'm invested in the show."
We turned back to the TV and I thought about what she'd said before. I didn't think it'd ever happen, she was pretty careful and I'd be careful too, but... maybe next time I'd mention that us drinking around each other might not be the safest idea...