Marissa lay on her bed, arms spread out and staring up at her ceiling. I lay next to her, just far enough away that I wouldn't roll into the divot she was making, and I wrestled with my feelings. She was... scary again. Not because she was going to hurt me, but because I'd watched her kill a man as easily as opening a soda. I knew she had that power before of course, I understood it, that's why playing with her was so important, but to feel it, the crunch, the noises the man had made as he'd realized he was dead, it shook me.
I didn't feel sadness for him, not as much as I felt like I should. I mostly felt relieved about the ordeal; I'd never have to see him again, I'd never have to put up with his scary presence, I'd never have to- well, he'd never get to hurt me. I didn't feel sad over him, no. I did feel a regret over his death though, in a way. A sense that Marissa and I had lost something important, a connection we shared before she'd flicked him. I eyed her form next to me, massive and mind boggling, and I wondered if we'd be able to get it back. If I'd be able to feel at home with her again instead of just slightly safer than if I was alone.
She was big, and I didn't appreciate that enough. I could feel it when I touched her, when I experienced her hands or her mouth or even just laying on top of her, but it didn't capture her size. She was bigger than any living thing I'd ever seen before I was compressed, or anything I would ever have seen even if I traveled the world. Bigger than a whale, I bet, at least. I didn't know how big whales were, but she'd be bigger, if the diver comparisons I'd seen were right. I know it's rude to call your girlfriend a whale, but that's all I could think of that would compare...
There was something else bigger than whales, but it was a fungus or something, right? Like, a whole forest that was one living mushroom? I didn't remember exactly, but that wasn't a fair comparison. Trees would be a more apt comparison if we were leaving the animal kingdom, like... a redwood tree. They were super tall though, she'd be way smaller. What trees would be closer? How tall would she be if she was big, and I was regular? I was 94% compressed, so I'd be 6% of her size, and... hm. Math was hard to do in your head, but I think she'd be... around ninety feet? Maybe a hundred? There were trees that big, but I didn't know which ones. Maybe a better comparison would be the statue of liberty or like, an eight story building, I guess. That made her seem a lot more dangerous, a hundred foot Marissa versus a five and a half foot one. Not that it should matter, she was still the same as if she was a hundred feet to me.
I watched her breathe, her chest rising and falling, and wondered why I was thinking about her size now of all times, I should be coming to terms with the dead guy that'd fallen on me, or the fact that every class A I'd seen since the incident had made my heart jump. Hell, I hadn't even begun to process the assault itself, I was still reeling from everything, I couldn't even say I just wanted to lie here and think about it, because I didn't, I just wanted to forget the whole thing, pretend it never happened at all.
"Hey, Stre-mm..." Marissa started, then trailed off. She turned over and looked at me, but I kept staring at the ceiling "Amber?"
"What's up?" I asked softly
"You're- I'm..." she struggled to get her words together "Fuck, you know what I'm trying to ask..."
I frowned "I- what?"
I didn't know what she wanted to ask, and there were a million options, how could I possibly know which one was correct? Did she want to ask about what happened? Did she want to ask about details of what happened? Was she looking for playtime? If so, why pick now of all times? Didn't she notice I was in no mood to play? Although, the way I was feeling, if she asked, I'd say yes no matter how badly I felt. Knowing she could- risking her saying we're playing anyway was too terrifying to think about.
...Fuck, this is what that stupid therapist was talking about, wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck, that was so stupid, we were fine yesterday, We'd be fine again soon, or at least I hoped we would be. I didn't know what to do, this was awful.
"I mean, like about me..." Marissa said, reminding me she'd been asking a question "You flinch when I touch you, you're not talking to me, you keep looking at me weird, but only when I'm not looking back at you. I know you're thinking about it, I get that, but.. like, are you- are you really scared of me?"
She rolled all the way over and curled up, her body and legs circling me on half of my body "I never wanted that, even when I was being cruel, I don't know what I'd do if you were actually scared of me..."
"..." I didn't respond, but I swallowed in case I had something to say
I didn't.
"Fuck, no, Amber, please..." Marissa pleaded "I'm not really scary, I did it for you, I was protecting you, that's, like, the opposite of scary, it's safe, right?"
I struggled for an anything to say, and settled on the least hurtful thing I could think of without lying "It's not about you, Marissa, it's about the size difference. You're the one who showed me just how easy we are to kill, yeah, but it's all class As. I can't look at them without thinking about all the ways they could kill me."
"I'm not going to kill you, though." she said, her voice pained
"I- well, I know that, like, in my brain..." I said slowly "But the rest of me keeps imagining you flicking me in the head. What if you'd flicked my head instead of my side on day one? I'm still slightly sore there a month later, I don't think I'd be here if you hit my head..."
"I'm not stupid, Amber." she said "I know not to hit people in the head."
"I know you're not stupid, but you bop my head all the time, you even hit me in the face hard enough to make my nose bleed once."
"Are you saying I'm doing a bad job?" she asked, her voice torn between insult and injury
"No, I just- it makes me think of stuff is all." I said "I could have died at any point, and I could still die at any point, and it'd be so, so easy for you- or anyone- to do it."
"No one's going to kill you, though." she said "I swear to you, I will keep you alive, no matter what."
"I know you'll try, I just- when your mom touched me earlier, all I could imagine is her twitching her finger and sending me tumbling off your hand to my death, and you know her, and it took ages for you to pull me back to you."
"She's- I don't think she'd kill you, not now." Marissa said "I'm pretty sure she's planning on letting me exempt you from testing, even."
"That's not a comfort, Missy." I said "I still have to think about all the other people who have to go through the tests, getting their blood drawn, being exposed to stuff, just one more reminder of how fragile and small we are."
"You are fragile and small, and that's why I'm never going to let anyone get close enough to hurt you again" she said firmly
She rolled over top of me and looked down, her face hanging over me, her wavy hair blocking out most of the light "You're tiny, Amber, and I love you. I liked you before you were tiny, and I'll love you even if you're scared of me. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure the woman I love is safe and cared for, and whatever that looks like, I'm ok with it."
I looked up at her and swallowed, she wasn't helping me feel any bigger looming over me like this, but being in her hair-curtains like this at least felt somewhat cozy. My stomach fluttered in fear and love, and I relaxed, watching her hover over me, searching my face for any hints or signs I disagreed.
"I do feel safer with you than anyone else..." I said "I love you too, Missy. It's not you, it's really not, it's just everything all hitting me at once..."
"...Can I kiss you?" she asked
I looked up at her, this was a weird time to ask that, I'd just- I looked at her mouth, thinking, then back to her eyes, her deep green eyes, and I melted a little.
"Ok, yeah." I said softly
She leaned down and kissed me softly on the face, her lips going around my head like two warm pillows. I tried to kiss back, but my own lips were lost in hers, and I did little more than press my face into her mouth. She broke away, and I curled up in a ball, tears streaming down my face. Her breath sucked in and she dropped lower to me her cheek pressed into the bed behind me, her breath washing over me as I shook.
"Fuck, I- no, you said I could, I was- it was supposed to be loving and help you, fuck." she said, her voice cracking "Are you crying because of me? Was it the kiss?"
I rolled over, still crying and I held out a hand to her. She met it with her finger, and I clutched it to my chest, hugging her tightly.
"I'm crying because I can't kiss you." I sobbed, rubbing my face on her fingertip "I can't kiss you, I can only be kissed, that's horrible."
"I- do you want to kiss me?" Marissa asked, trying to wipe the tears off my face
"Obviously I want to kiss my girlfriend, Missy!" I said in a flash of anger "I want to kiss you and hug you and make you feel nice, and all I can do is wrestle your fingers..."
"Well I want to hug you too, you know." Missy said "I want to feel your arms around my neck, or feel our cheeks press together, or have your head in my lap while we watch a movie, it's- I love you so so much, and I want more of you."
She looked at me with a feeling of sadness "Can I be honest? It's going to be a little offensive..."
I nodded, honesty was best right now, even if it hurt...
"I've been... almost jealous of you, getting to be held, feeling so much of me, getting to touch my body, you even went in my bra and just lay there, that's... that's so, so intimate. I love having power over you, I love getting to bully you and control you, but-"
She blinked and a tear rolled down her nose "I want what you have from me. I know I told you it wasn't a big deal last week, but it hurts, Amber. I want to be able to enjoy my girlfriend the way she enjoys me. I know it's not polite to tell a class B you're jealous of their disability, but I want to be held by you too..."
We were both crying now, and I hugged her finger "I wish I'd never compressed." I said, sniffling
"Yeah, I figured that much." she said "Fuck, I just- I want to melt into a puddle and wash away, I just feel like shit."
"I want to be buried somewhere and forgotten about for a few thousand years, until this feeling goes away." I said "I hate this, I don't know what to do..."
"I don't think there's anything to do." Marissa said "We dove into this thing headfirst, we ignored everyone around us, and now... we're just stuck with it."
"Stuck?" I asked "Do you feel stuck with me? It's ok if you do..."
"I love you, stupid." she said, mildly annoyed. "I'm not stuck with you, I'm stuck in a weird relationship where we can't really get what we want from the other."
"At least we can play, that's always a nice feeling." I said
"That's not a basis for a relationship, that's something you do in addition to a relationship." Marissa sighed "Or- with someone you don't have a relationship with at all. We've got the love, so we're doing ok there, but- I want to show you I love you."
I rubbed her finger as I thought "I want to show you I love you too. I can't kiss you, or hug you, or put my head in your lap, but we can still share each other's favorite things? We're playing games the other likes, we're showing each other our favorite shows, we're learning how to just sit and talk together, that's love. Those are all things that show love."
"You're holding my hand, you sleep in my bed, we share a room, and we functionally have a long distance relationship." Marissa said, her eyes finally dry. She sat up "Amber, I don't know how to fix you being scared, and I don't know how to fix the... physical issues, but..."
"We'll figure it out." I said, sitting up myself "I know we will."
She looked down at me with an expression of pain and pity, but she still smiled and picked me up "Yeah, we'll figure it out. Are you ok to..."
She thought for a moment "...sit in my shirt collar and watch some tv?"
I looked at her plain grey t-shirt and imagined sitting in it with her, using it as a blanket, my head just poking out of the neck hole. It wasn't me putting my head in her lap, it wasn't a hug, but it was something.
"I'd love that." I said "Maybe hug one of your plushies and think of me while we do it?"
She made a face, but nodded "That sounds pathetic and sad, but I need to hug something right now, yeah."
As we watched TV, I rubbed my face against the soft skin under her collar bone and imagined we were face to face; her wrapped around me, her head over mine. She hugged the stuffed bunny hard, and her chest sank in, making me feel like I was going to slip down into a world of Marissa and fabric. It wasn't what we'd wanted, I still wanted to kiss her, she still wanted to hug me for real, but it was what we had, and I felt safe again, so it was all we could really ask for.
~~~
We stood under the awning next to the tennis courts and watched the rain fall hard and heavy. It was too loud for me, and I had my hands clamped over my ears to blot out the noise. Marissa's face was sour and frustrated, but she didn't say anything, just turned and opened the door that led into the lockers, leading our group out of the noisy outdoors. Henri closed the umbrella she'd been holding and handed it back to Tracy, who put it in the drying rack, and we all looked around at the locker room, girls walking in and out of the showers and gyms, changing back out of tennis and swim clothes into more fashionable outfits.
"I can't believe today of all days got rained out." grumbled Marissa "Fuck, I was looking forward to this all season..."
"Aw, I'm sure they'll re-schedule our game, it's whatever." Quince said "I can kick your ass on Thursday instead."
"You- No, I have a better record than you, Quince, I don't think you'd be kicking anything." Marissa said, shaking her head
"I admit, I have been curious to see who is the better player." Henri said "Quince has an eye for weaknesses, but Marissa seems to be anywhere on the field she needs to be, it would have been a good match."
"They played last season, twice." Tracy said "They both won one, so the jury is out."
"Well, we have like, three hours free now." Kensey said from Quince's hand "Want to do something as a group?"
"I'm not going to the mall again." Quince said "I'm bored of that, something else. I don't care what."
"We could go skating?" Tracy asked "We haven't been in ages, and it's retro now, so we could get pics of the carpet and stuff to post."
"Yeah, but someone would have to stay at a table and watch the tinies." Quince pointed out "They can't go on the rink."
"I'd watch them!" Henri offered
"Nope, let's do something else." Marissa said "Uhh, I'm pretty good at bowling, we could go do that?"
"You're not 'good' at bowling, you use the bumpers." Tracy said "That doesn't count."
"It makes it more fun, you bounce the ball off them to get the best angles, why would I play if I'm going to get a gutter ball every time?" Marissa rolled her eyes
"I would be up for some karaoke, I know a bar with private rooms, I went there with Amber once!" Henri said
"Absolutely not. I'm not listening to Tracy warble out aughts pop again." Quince said
"Hey, it's part of the fun!" Tracy said, hurt "We can do it, you can suck it up."
"Nah, we'd need to keep the volume low so it doesn't hurt the class B's ears." Marissa said "We'd have to hear our voices while we sing, and no one wants that."
"Why not let them decide?" Henri asked "They will be left out of everything we do, why not find what is most interesting to them?"
"Huh, yeah, what do you guys want to do?" Quince asked me and Kensey
"I have no idea, I'm just going to hide in Marissa's pocket most of the time to be honest." I said, leaning against her "I'm not up for dangerous situations right now"
"Oh, I have an idea..." Kensey said with a smirk "The perfect rainy day activity..."
~~~
We stood in front of the building looking up at it. Marissa was still frustrated, and Kensey's plan hadn't changed her mood much, but Tracy was giggling, and Henri kept looking at me to gauge my reaction. I wasn't looking forward to this, but I'd play along for everyone else's sake.
"You know, if anyone else had suggested this, I'd have said it was offensive." Quince said "But..."
"Look, I've been to more than one company party here, it was one of the first things I thought of when I compressed, let me have this, ok?" Kensey said
"Let's just go inside." Marissa said, rolling her eyes
As we walked in, Kensey threw her hands out, waving them at the plastic grass, the tiny buildings, the wild paintings on the walls and made a trumpet sound with her mouth "Dun da duuun! I give you... The Miniature Village Indoor Mini Golf experience! Or, for me and Amber, The Normal-Sized Village Indoor Regular Golf experience!"
"Did you pick this place just so you could say that?" Tracy asked, shaking her head with a small grin on her face
"Nooo, of course not..." Kensey said "I also chose it so I could run around and explore the little buildings up close. Doesn't that sound like fun, Amber?"
"Uh, we might get stepped on?" I said nervously
"It's one 'o clock in the afternoon on a Monday, there's no one here." Quince said "We're the only people in the building, and none of us would step on you."
"..." I looked around, feeling vulnerable and scared. I didn't want to leave Marissa's side yet, I was still feeling fragile, and she was the only thing that helped that feeling, as scary as she was.
"Aw, come on, it could be fun..." Marissa said to me, her expression softening "Kensey seems excited about it, don't you think it's at least a little cool?"
"Yeah, I know it's cool, but like," I looked around "everyone's going to be hitting balls around, what if one goes where we are and crushes us?"
Marissa looked at me then around at the rest of the group "So if there was no risk of you getting hit with a ball, you'd do it?"
"Sure, I just can't be in danger right now, I need to know I'm safe." I said
"Got it." Marissa said, and walked up to the counter "Hey, how much to rent out the whole place for the next two hours?"
The man behind the counter frowned "We usually have to have a reservation for a party, we don't-"
"No, not a party, just us." Marissa said "Two hours, until three thirty. We won't even interfere with the after school rush."
"Huh, well." the man looked around the empty room "Games are fifteen, and you'd spend less than two hours playing through all eighteen holes, if I'm being honest. It would be cheaper to just pay the..." he looked at our group and counted "...sixty dollars and play normally."
Marissa dug in her purse with her free hand and pulled out her wallet, opening it up deftly and dropping two hundreds on the counter.
"Will this get you to lock the doors and stay behind the counter?" she asked, annoyed
"Hm." the man looked at the money and sighed "That's enough, yes. But if you mistreat the course or props, I'll still throw you out."
"Ok, fine, thanks. Lock the doors and go eat a sandwich or something." Marissa said "We're not messing with the props, we just want privacy."
The man shrugged and got up, locking the doors before going back to the counter "The putters are here, balls are in the basket, I'll be in the back, but I do have cameras on, so don't give me reason to check them, ok?"
"Yyyyup." Marissa said, tossing her purse onto a chair and grabbing a putter
"I'm confused, what's going on?" I asked her as she walked over to the others
"We're playing up one hole, then you two will get to explore the little town around each hole while we're ahead of you. No people, no danger." she said, passing me to Tracy and picking out a yellow ball
"That's so thoughtful of you!" Kensey said "Thank you, Marissa!"
"Mm, yeah. Come on, bitches, let's just play the first hole so the littles can enjoy themselves too." Marissa said, dropping her ball on the green "They need a break, this will be good for them."
The girls all played the first hole, a simple one where you hit the ball across a field to the outskirts of the town, and I found myself and Kensey placed down at the edge of the course.
"Have fun exploring, ladies!" Quince said "It's like, urban exploration, but tiny, that's so cute!"
"Be careful, and yell if you need anything, please!" Henri reminded us
After a flurry of steps and the sensation of something impossible moving, the girls were over by the next hole, Marissa lining up her next shot down main street.
"Alright, let's look around this little farm!" Kensey said "It looks like the buildings are in between my and your sizes, so we should both be able to explore."
"Yeah." I said, watching the girls and looking around the room nervously
I'd never been on the floor like this when I wasn't everyone's center of attention. It was one of the big rules of being a class B, don't ever be on the floor unless you absolutely have to be on the floor, and never, ever stay on the floor if you find yourself there. Don't run up to class As while you're on the floor, stay out of open areas on the floor, and try to be as loud and flashy as possible. Not 'wander around a mini golf course with four regular sized girls wandering around too'. That was just stupid behavior. Still, Marissa had paid two hundred dollars for me and Kensey to get this experience, so I'd just have to be extra extra careful.
"Come on, let's go look in the barn!" Kensey said, pulling on my arm
I was jerked along and I struggled to keep up as she ran over to the double doors and pulled me in.
"Oooh, little farm animals!" she said, admiring the plastic cows on one side of the room
I glanced over at the fake horses on my side, and raised an eyebrow, they were weirdly detailed, why were the cows just cows, and the horses so lifelike? I patted one on the head and glanced around the barn. Not much here, just regular sized hay and some toys. I wondered if we'd find anything worthwhile in any of the areas...
"Aw I had these when I was little!" Kensey said, coming up beside me "I was a bit of a horse girl, don't judge."
"I'm not, I was a weeb, I have no room to judge." I said, shrugging
"Weeb?" she asked "Huh, anyway, check this out."
She grabbed my hand and crouched down, pointing under the horse. I glanced over, then stood up quickly, stepping away from the figure.
"Why the fuck does it have a dick?" I asked
She shrugged, laughing "I have no idea, I just know that all the best quality horse figures had them, it was weird, but I never second guessed it as a kid."
"That's weird as fuck." I muttered, walking out of the barn and leaving the anatomically correct toys behind
"Hey, slow down!" she said "Wanna check out the farmhouse next?"
"Yyyeah, do you think it opens?" I asked, looking at the little house
"Let's see..." she said, walking up and jiggling the handle "Ah, nope. try the windows?"
I pulled on the plastic, and shrugged "It's glued. Looks like there's nothing inside though..."
"Aw... Oh well, come on, the others are ahead now, we can check out the main town area!"
We walked over to the street and walked into the town itself, the small buildings and fake trees giving me a weird sense of... nostalgia? I remembered being able to walk down the street like this...
"Wow, this place is pretty cool up close!" Kensey said "I swear it's based on our actual town."
"I think it is." I said, pointing "See that shop? That's the place Marissa bought me from."
"Ew, don't say 'bought'." she complained "That's not respectful of us."
I snorted "You sound like Nada."
"I've been talking to her a lot lately." Kensey sighed "She's really lonely, and she's really happy to have a lady her age to chat with locally."
"Fair, I guess." I said "Hey- town hall is open, we could look in there?"
"Ok, sure!" she said, walking up the stairs beside me, two steps to my one
We walked into the dark grey building and looked around. It was pretty plain, just grey floors and walls, nothing unique except for a half-counter along the back wall to give the illusion of detail if a class A happened to peek in.
I shrugged and walked around the room "Nothing of note, really."
"Yeah, just- hm, what's that behind the counter?" Kensey asked, pointing
I couldn't see from my angle, so I leaned over the grey foam wall and frowned, picking up a cloth sack "It's a little bag or something?"
I pulled on it, and it opened up. Inside was a button with string on it, half a french fry, a handkerchief, and a roll of cotton. I stepped back, looking around the room with in a new light.
"That's weird stuff to put back there. Is it a prop?" Kensey said
"It's- it's someone's stuff." I said "Food, a blanket, a pillow, and a button. There's someone living here, the french fry isn't even crunchy yet."
Kensey was quiet for a minute, then she bundled up the sack again and put it where we'd found it "...Should we tell someone?"
"..." I thought about it. If a class B was living here, in the buildings, they were hiding. It couldn't be safe for them to be in here, right? Which meant they were worried they'd be found and, what, returned to someone they didn't like? Be put on the market? I bit my lip. It wasn't our place to decide, to condemn whoever this was to a life they didn't want. There were safe ways for them to be found on their own, if they wanted that.
"No, we should pretend we didn't see anything." I finally said "It's not for us to decide if they get found or not."
"That's fair." Kensey said "We should get going, and, fuck, I guess stop exploring, so we don't accidentally expose them or something?"
"Yeah." I said "Fuck, let's just- let's get somewhere else."
We left the building and followed the other girls, at a distance, staying on the green, close to the edges. My eyes roamed all across the landscape, wondering if the mystery person was here, watching us from just out of sight. Maybe I'd tell Nada about them, in vague terms, to see what she thought. It couldn't be safe for them to be living without a guardian, but if they didn't want to be in the system. She'd be able to help me figure it out, I should absolutely mention it to her.
"So, uh, to change the topic, so we're not just walking around imagining living on scraps and sleeping in empty buildings..." Kensey said "Um, what's up with you and Marissa today?"
I glanced at her as we crested the fourteenth hole, a tiny replica of the mini golf place we were in.
"I wasn't thinking about that." I said "But Marissa and me, it's really complicated."
"Are you two in a fight?" she asked gently "Is she bullying you in the bad way again?"
"No, she's not." I said "We still love each other, uh, but this is something for her to tell the whole group, later, ok?"
"Oh..." Kensey said "That sounds serious."
"It is. I'll try to get her to talk about it to everyone, later, after golf. Ok?"
"Yeah, ok, sure." Kensey said, her expression looking protective and slightly scared at once "If she doesn't though, I'll understand. Just message me about it later, k?"
"Mm. We'll see, I guess." I said, sighing
I'd like Missy to say something, I was sick of having to feel like this and not be able to talk to anyone about it, but it was her issue too, she'd been the one to do it, so I couldn't just blurt it out without being an asshole. The group would probably go to get coffee or something after this, I'd try to initiate then.
~~~
We sat at a table at another one of the same cheap taco places Quince liked, and everyone took stock to make sure they'd gotten the right food. Henri had another one of the little taco-pizzas, Quince had several burritos stuffed with meat and hot sauce, Marissa had a slushie and some kind of taco salad piled high with chicken strips, and Tracy had a chicken quesadilla. Kensey and I had nothing, although Henri had given me a shard of her pizza with some guac on it to munch on. She'd finally admitted it was ok for me to have a little bit of uncompressed food, after having talked to the people about it in group.
"I wish we could go to my favorite taco place." Henri said, picking at her food "It has churros."
"It's drive-through only, we're not eating in my new car." Quince said, rolling her eyes
"I drove myself and Tracy." Henri said "We two could have eaten in my car at least, I have a backseat, even, if the rest of you would have liked to join us."
"Oooh, Henri just asked us all to join her in her backseat!" Tracy said, elbowing her
"I- ugh, no." Henri shook her head "Forget it, I just wanted to get churros."
Everyone was relaxed and looked so easy going. Marissa was the only one who wasn't smiling, and her hand kept finding its way over to me to touch me, like we needed to make sure we were both still there. Henri was watching me closely, her posture relaxed, but her face concerned. I noticed she'd never changed out of the tennis dress she'd put on for the game earlier, was she still trying to win me over with sports? She saw me staring, and opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by Tracy leaning forward and slapping her hand on the table.
"Ok, I'll bite. What on earth is up with you two today?" she asked, pointing to me and Marissa "I need the goss, you've both been off all day, Marissa has been a grump and Amber has been acting like she just compressed, but you're obviously not fighting because you've been stuck together like glue, so what's up?"
Marissa glared at her and her fingers settled around me "Amber's just feeling fragile right now, it's none of your business."
"I'm pretty curious too, I wanna know the drama." Quince said, leaning in and smiling conspiratorially
"She is my friend, and she is not a fragile woman." Henri said "What made her so fragile?"
Marissa looked around and huffed, plucking me off the table and holding me to her chest "There was an incident, I'm not going to tell it because it's not just my story, you're being rude."
"It's ok." I said quietly "You can tell them, it might be good to have them help us through this..."
She glared at me, but rubbed me against her cheek gently "...Fine, ok, whatever." she said in a harsh, unsure tone
She set me back on the table and looked around the room, making sure we were alone "So, uh, yesterday, I was at my dad's house, and Raquel had adopted a class B since I'd seen her a few weeks ago."
"Oh, ew." Tracy said "She's the last person who should have one..."
"Yeah, she cheated on the test and had to adopt from some shady government place selling them under the table, it was stupid." Marissa said, glaring at the table "Anyway, she's manhandling him and not following the rules, and she asks if Amber can play with him, and I'm like 'no, what the fuck', but then she asks again, and Amber is like 'I guess it's ok', and I put her in the box with the guy while I talk to my parents..."
"The box?" Henri asked, a little worried
"Like, a box without a lid, it was his house or something." Marissa clarified "Anyway, they talk, and it seems fine, and then I hear a weird noise, and I look around, and there's nothing, so I check on Am-amber, and sh-she, uh, th-the g-guy is on t-top of her and like, p-pulling at her clothes and she's s-screaming..."
"Oh, gods, what the fuck?" Tracy said, shocked
"Please tell me you knocked him the fuck out." Quince said with a scowl
"Uh, w-well, I just, I see him, and I'm s-scared, and I just w-want him off her..." Marissa choked out, her hands shaking as she tried to get the words out "And I j-just r-reach over and f-flick him in th-the head, and there's a pop, and h-he s-st-stops m-moving..."
"You... killed him?" Henri asks quietly
"Y-yeah. The cops came, social services came, they investigated, it was a big deal." Marissa said, her body drooping now that the story was out
"I... Jesus, Marissa, I feel sick just hearing about that..." Quince said, putting her hand on Marissa's shoulder "That was yesterday? I can't believe you're even up for leaving the house..."
"I wanted to play tennis." Marissa said simply
"So- that's a really serious thing that happened..." Kensey said "I get why you two are shaken up now, but I have to ask, is Amber in danger of getting taken away?"
"No, I'm safe." I said solemnly "She gets to keep me."
"Do you want her to keep you?" Tracy asked me "She killed a guy right in front of you."
"Tracy!" Marissa said, her eyes flashing "Seriously?! What the fuck?"
"I want her to!" I said quickly "She's the only person I trust right now, I'm scared, but I still need her..."
"I can take you for a couple days if you need space." Quince offered "I know you feel pretty safe at my house, and I loved watching you."
"Thanks, but... I need Marissa." I said
"Marissa, you did what needed to be done to protect our loved one." Henri said "I cannot fault you for that. I think you did the right thing."
"You sound like my mom." Marissa said, looking at the table "She said something similar."
"Your mom thought you killing a guy was the right thing to do?" Kensey asked "Oh, nope, yeah that tracks."
"She said Missy was 'protecting an asset', and that she was 'proud of her'." I told her "It gave me chills..."
"Asset?" Tracy said, looking at us with a stricken look on her face "She- ugh..."
Her face twisted, and she frowned, resolution written across her features. She looked at Marissa and looked like she wanted to say something, but slumped, and back and shook her head.
"Spit it out, Trace." Marissa sighed "Just say it."
"W-well, I was thinking," Tracy said carefully, the look of determination creeping back in "I was wondering if maybe you could come with me to do a tour of the lab Wednesday afternoon? We've got lots of class Bs there, and, um, I just think if you were there, it could help you come to terms with what you did, because you were helping a class B, and that's all we do there. And, uh, maybe you being there and experiencing it could help you change your mom's mind about class Bs being... 'assets'?"
"A tour?" Marissa asked "I'll own it soon enough, why do I need a tour?"
"I'll take a tour, Trace." Quince said "I'm curious about it, and I want to see all the little baybees."
"Ooh, bring me along too!" Kensey said, perking up "I want to see all the advancements you're making!"
"I will pass." Henri said "I would not take it well, I think, to see them all getting tested on."
"We don't test on them in bad ways, we treat them like people." Tracy said "and it wasn't an open invitation, it was just to Marissa."
"Well, I'm not spending the whole afternoon with you alone at a lab while you tell me science stuff, that sounds boring. So Quince is coming too." Marissa said "But fine, I'll go."
"Oh, uh, that's- I don't know if I can get her in, but we'll see." Tracy said nervously "Thank you, I just- I think this will be really helpful. I'm really sorry about what happened."
"Yeah, that's really fucked up, if you need to talk, I've got you." Quince nodded
"I would be willing to talk as well." Henri nodded "I cannot imagine it would easy to have that weighing on you."
Marissa looked around, surprised and touched "Oh, wow, thanks, you guys. I didn't expect you to actually care, I guess."
"I like the new Marissa, I care about her a lot." Quince said "The old Marissa never would have apologized about getting drunk or opened up like you just did."
"You have grown a lot, ja, I want to see you keep growing, for Amber's sake and for the sake of this friend group I have found myself in." Henri said gently
"We all love you, Marissa." I told her "I know you don't think it's possible, but if you treat people well, and don't use them like tools, they'll be there for you. I'll be there for you no matter what."
Marissa's mouth was tight, and she looked around at the table at each of us there, looking back at her. She stood up and swallowed .
"Thanks, yeah. I appreciate it. I'll be back, I have to go pee." she grabbed her purse off the back of the chair and walked quickly to the bathrooms, not looking back
"Aaand we made her cry, great." Tracy said "At least it was a happy cry this time."
"She was crying?" Henri asked "I never would have guessed..."
"She's a secret cryer, she hides to cry." I said "But yeah, she was crying."
"Crying like a bitch." Quince nodded "She'll be back in a few minutes. Fuck, I hope she takes what we said to heart though, I really do like this more recent version of her."
"Aside from her getting drunk and attacking us, the past couple weeks have been pretty great, yeah. Mostly drama-free." Tracy agreed, sighing. She looked sad, almost worried "I just- I hope she'll be... Well, she'll be whoever she is, wherever she is, I guess."
"That's a weird way to put it," Quince said "but yeah, I agree. Henri, you sure you don't want in on the tour?"
"You're not even invited on the tour." grumbled Tracy
"I am fine, I would not enjoy it." Henri nodded
"More free samples for the rest of us, then." Kensey shrugged
"Free- What free samples?" Tracy asked incredulously
"You know exactly what free samples." Quince said "I'm walking out of there with at least three new class Bs, all to myself."
As the chatter went on and I waited impatiently for Marissa to return, I was once again amazed at how seamlessly Henri, Kensey, and I had slipped into the friend group. The ease at which they offered support for each other, the care, the quick forgiveness for serious things, it all felt invincible, like nothing could tear the group apart. I crunched a bite of my guac-chip and let the feeling of belonging wash over me. It wasn't the same safe feeling I got with Marissa, but I wasn't scared around these people either, they were a safe place, even if I still wanted Marissa more, and that was very important to have.
~~~