So, I forgot to do the book reviews yesterday, and I had more to say anyway, so here we go.
First off, I've moved more of my room, and I'm starting to get a "writing nook" set up, here's a sneak peek (I'll do a room tour after everything is in place)
The main thing though, I've been kinda... crawling through some problematic places these past couple days, and I'm kinda numb to it all at this point.
See, on Saturday, me and Rin ordered a delivery pizza with olives and no cheese, so it'd be vegan, and we decorated it with vegan cheese, mushroom sausage, hot sauce, the goods. When the guy delivered it though, I had JUST gotten out of the shower, the timer had said 15-45 minutes delivery, it had been 11. So I rush downstairs with my makeup still streaky from the shower, no bra, in nothing but an oversized t-shirt of The Ghoul that went to my knees, and my hair still dripping all down my front. This motherfucker has the pizza in one hand and his phone in the other, and says
"Hey, sorry, I just want to show the people back at the shop what the person who would want this kind of pizza would look like, ok?"
I'm kinda like, bewildered, so I just take the pizza and nod without processing what he said as I check to make sure it's right, and then I realize 'wait... photo?! of me!? like THIS?!' and whip my head up to see him snap a selfie of us and sprint back to his car, waving. I just kinda stood there for a second, just... kinda in shock, kinda confused, and went in to prepare the pizza. At the time I was just like "what the fuck, you haven't heard of vegans? or lactose intolerant people?" like, I had several friends who would order cheeseless pizza as kids, it's... not that weird? But then after, I started to wonder, what happened to that photo? Is it out there somewhere? Did he post it? I looked awful, and I was pretty obviously some kind of queer, could he have posted it because of that?
Since then, I have been kinda paranoid that that pic would get shared to some kind of anti-trans or similar website, so I have been using my innate knowledge of what sites and groups have hurt my friends in the past to look for that picture. I have been on horrible, horrible sites looking for it, and luckily there was no trace of it, but good lord people are awful.
Part of me wants to be hurt by the things the TERFs and anti-trans losers say, but like, almost all of it is just so, so stupid. Like, their stories about meeting trans people irl almost ALL have the same language, and they ALL have this kind of "and then everyone clapped" feeling, like they made up a strawman trans person to write fanfiction about so they look cool to their friends. It's... kinda interesting to be honest. Sometimes there's a real story, but it's always the kind of story where nothing happened, but they instead spend the entire post making fun of a trans person just minding their business and not doing anything, but the story writer will try soooo hard to make themselves look victimized just for breathing the same air as one of us, not realizing they could just... make something up instead like everyone else is doing.
For one thing, there seems to be a disagreement on what makes a trans person worse. A lot of people would describe their trans fantasy characters as overly large, or very heavy, and use that as an excuse as to why it was ok to make fun of them, but just as many would describe a short, small trans person, and claim they had "failed masculinity" and that's why they were trans. There's a lot of stuff like this, contradictory reasons why we should be hated. Not trying to pass, trying too hard to pass, passing and not telling anyone, not passing and telling people, dressing too girly, not dressing girly enough, it goes on and on, and after a bit, I just was numb to the whole thing.
Most of the stories are very obviously made up, I am in multiple trans spaces, online and IRL, and I have never encountered the stereotype of a trans person these people keep going on and on about, not even a little bit, so that part doesn't matter.
The stuff they seem to complain about and focus on contradicts itself and makes it really hard to imagine they have actual issue with any of this, and instead feels like they just want an easy target for their sadism or anger.
And lastly, the stuff they talk about that they claim makes it "easy to tell" is... so, so stupid... Who the fuck checks someone's sternum width when they see them? And anyone who says jaws are a tell hasn't seen Sigourney Weaver.
Yeesh. I went on these places and into these groups prepared to be hurt, but I came away almost feeling sorry for these people, focusing SO MUCH on our bodies and what we look like, making up crazy stories and crying online about nothing, really. I still think they're hateful and rude and should shut up and let us live, the stuff they spread can hurt public perception of us even more than media already has, but... they're really just looking for attention and community, and the only way they know how is to gang up with other people who happen to hate a group they hate too.
Anyway, on to lighter news, the book I read last week was called Love The World Or Get Killed Trying, by Alvina Chamberland, and it opens with trans porn statistics, and a rape scene.
Did I say lighter? Sorry, I meant more of the same. It's a very beautifully written book, it's mostly prose, and has a really cool stream-of-consciousness feeling where you're pulled through the feelings, emotions, sensations and desires of Alvina in a rapid-fire blur of text. It focuses on her life as a writer and performer, but has little of either in the book itself, just hints at it through her travels to Iceland, Paris, Berlin, and her own thoughts. The book is autofictional, so while it's about the author, and is about real things, the exact details are... fuzzy and may not be true. The biggest focus of the book is the inherent sexualization of trans women, and the struggles of trans women to find people who can SEE them instead of a piece of meat or a disgusting thing or a fucktoy. I haven't gone through the ritual of joining dating sites yet (although I will soon if staying in my state is my end choice) but I have been given the "up and down" look by people a few times, I've had people come up to me unprompted and start trying to talk about my outfit or something, and like I think I've mentioned here before, I was once followed to my car by someone who looked like he was going to choke, ask me out, or run away. This is... not the same thing as being constantly cat-called and ass-grabbed like Alvina experiences, but to be fair, Alvina is a much more pretty, fluid person than I am, and she and I run in very different circles.
I really liked the feeling of the prose, and while it was a bit hard to follow at times, SO MUCH of what she was saying made me think "Oh! Her brain is like mine!" and she had very similar compulsions to me as well, it was nice to see. I think if you like prose, and you don't mind being part of a non stop stream of thought of a scared, strong, tired trans woman for over 200 pages, I highly recommend it. It's one of those that I'll most likely re-visit once I finish my to-read shelf, eventually.
The comic from last week, was a mistake. It was called My Monster Girlfriend, and it's a collection of comics edited by Andrea Purcell and Amanda Lafrenais
Now, reader, I did NOT see the "Smut Peddler" part of the title when I ordered it, and the site I used somehow didn't include that in the listing. So I got this comic that I assumed would be a sweet, monster romance collection full of cute characters and fun situations.
Nnnnno. It's just porn. Straight up, porn.
Like, yeah, some of the art is cute, and I liked a couple of the stories, especially the one about the dog-gremlin thing and the spider thing not understanding what "love" or "sex" was but wanting SOMEthing all the same, that one was really really cute. The rest were like, just regular old porn, and good GOD is porn boring to me. Like, the stories would start so strong, cool designs, interesting setup, I'm getting invested, right? Then about 1/3 of the way through, sex would happen, and my eyes would glaze over and I'd just breeze past the rest... It's not that I can't enjoy the emotional impact sex can have on a story, it's just that, like, if it's most of the story, I won't care ABOUT the story. I just do not have the ability to get 'interested' anymore, so like, this comic just wasn't my cup of tea.
To be clear. The comic was very well made and put together, and if you like porn and monster girls, you will LOVE it. But I only love one of those things, so it was not for me. I don't think I'll keep it, but like I said, it does what it wants to do very well, so I am not saying it wasn't beautifully drawn and lovingly compiled, I just don't think I'll ever get another "Smut Peddler" release again myself.
Until next time,
Erica