Date: 10/16/2024
Mood: GGhhhh
A major fuckup
Friends I am stressed stressed stressed. I set up a telegram account so I could connect with some online groups that I wanted to be a part of, and I set it up with my real name, a nice pic of one of my characters, my age, whatever. I pop on and join the groups, all is fine, I chat, I'm making friends, I made sure to deny the app access to my contacts, duh, and I was pretty happy to have another chat app to make friends on.
Then.
I get a message. FROM MY GRANDMOTHER. One of THREE people in the world who I'm not ok with being out to, and she is very very close to one of the other two. She just slides into my dms with a "hello!" and I freak out... I blocked her, and after 20 minutes of trying to find the settings, block her from seeing my profile. Like... Gosh, I don't know why the stupid app connected me to her after I said no, I don't know why she has that app? I was told it was for queers and furries??? I don't know if she saw my bio, it's a mess... From what I hear, it would have shown up to her as whatever I was listed as in her phone, then when she looks at my bio or goes to message me, it would have swapped to Erica. So... I don't know if she saw anything or what... If she isn't stupid (and she might be) then she knows I'm trans now, and she'll tell my bosses wife, and she'll tell him, and that ends with a lawyer. Gosh. Apparently my grandmother and my bosses wife talked for hours after this, but my coworker didn't hear what it was about, so I really don't know what's going on. I know I can't stay in the closet forever, I have to come out sooner or later, I'm already looking into changing my name legally if I can as soon as I can... I just am very nervous over this, because I don't know what's going on, if she knows, anything... I have to come out to my extended family before my brother's wedding in april, if I want to go, but... it's tricky. I was planning on getting my aunt to tell everyone for me, she's really cool and knows how to talk to people, but if my grandmother knows, then again, I get fired, lose the house, etc. I was hoping to have the company sold by then, but like, it's really tricky too, because I don't have a set in stone, signed paper saying that I'll get a commission off that, just my boss saying it, and he lies about money constantly.
Honestly, I really just want to come out, burn it all down, get fired, lose the house, and tumble through the aftermath until I end up somewhere new, but I don't know where that would be. It'd be nice to just exist though, not have to worry about being someone fake sometimes, or having to dress up in clothes I hate, I could stop hearing my deadname so much, and that would be wonderful...
Anyway, I am just very stressed out over the whole thing, my mom said to just come out and see what happens, my coworker said to just start changing my name and dress how I want (I dress in androgynous clothes at work, but she knows my usual style is gothy skirts and stuff) and just pretend nothing is happening. I don't know which is the better option, I really don't, I just want to be able to exist as myself...
Stress aside, I guess I should review this week's books, the first was called For The Love Of April French, by Penny Aimes
This one was about a trans girl, April, getting into a sub/dom relationship with a cis man, and the tricky, hard to navigate paths of kink, love, dysphoria, and past pains. Her dom, Dennis, does his best to make her feel special and to respect her in every way he can, but he's.... never been with a trans woman before, so there's a learning curve that he wasn't expecting. The book focuses heavily on the types of healthy kink relationships that you should aim for, and highlights several types of kink relationships that are toxic, and life destroying, and should be avoided. It's a stressful book, in parts, but overall it's a romance between two people from different backgrounds coming together to understand each other better and try and be the best person they can be for each other. It's nothing powerful or impactful, but it was a very well written romance, and the kink, while present, was presented in a way that didn't make me too uncomfortable, and felt very "soft" if that makes sense. If you enjoy reading books about kink, or just want a cis man x trans woman romance, give it a shot.
The comic this week was Tender, by Beth Hetland
Friends, I should not have read this one while I was already stressed out. It physically hurt my stomach, it was really good, but really rough for me specifically. It's about a woman who desperately wants to be a wife/mother/perfect, and she is willing to do anything to try and get to that idea of her perfect self. It's beautiful, but it hit on so so many of my triggers, SH, desire for love, desire to be a mother, babies, eating disorders, just, so many things I struggle with, out on the page in visceral detail. It's one of the best graphic novels I've read in a while, but it really did hurt my stomach, I felt hollow and empty and full of dread after reading it.
I want to recommend it, maybe it's not as bad to someone not on the edge of a spiral, but please read it with caution if you do read it...
Until next time,
Erica