My Blog Posts

At long last... Sweet Touch! This is a story about a girl named Candy who was chosen by a goddess to be a part of a magical girl team. She's doing her best to balance the PR side of things and the crime fighting side of things, but her unusual power makes it very hard for her to be effective without bad things happening. Her four teammates are by her side to help her though, and together they'll do their best to keep the streets safe and bring glory and attention to the church of Lorgiaia!
This one has been a long time coming, friends, I wrote a LOT of stuff in this universe to world build and make sure I had a good grasp on what I wanted from the story before starting it, and I'm thinking it's going to pay off. This story will be part of a larger universe of stories set in the same setting, so while I do want to focus on Sweet Touch itself for now, I do have more plans to re-visit this world after this story is over. In fact... Lumin is set in the same universe too! So if you haven't read that one, check it out from the sidebar! It's stand alone, and has nothing to do with this one, but it's still the same universe. This story will be updated every other week, on weeks I'm not updating TFoBV, so the next update (chapter 2) should be out on 03/11/25. I hope you enjoy it!

The trigger warnings are...

Click to show

Nothing!

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Sweet Touch: Chapter 1

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Join my discord from this link to discuss the chapters, and to get updated every time I post a new story or chapter!

Until next time,

Erica

Hello! I needed a break from writing Sweet Touch and The Feeling of Being Valued, so I wrote a new Vervex story! This one starts to tie the others together, and features our favorite lil gobbo doing her rounds in town.
I did still write a full chapter of Sweet Touch this week, and I'm starting a new chapter of TFoBV tomorrow, so this is just a bonus story, and won't effect my releases of my other stories at all. I hope you enjoy it!

The trigger warnings are...

Click to show

Nothing!

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Vervex And The Daily Route

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Like always, please join the discord via the link in the sidebar! I'd love to chat with you about my stories, or just get to know you!

Until next time,

Erica

Hello friends! It's a new week, so it's a new chapter! Chapter 2 of The Feeling of Being Valued. This one is getting pretty fun, and the story is really kicking off in my opinion. You can check it out below, either start at chapter one, or if you read that last week, skip to chapter two! Please join the discord in the sidebar if you'd like to discuss the chapter!

The trigger warnings are...

Click to show

Nothing, I think?

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The Feeling of Being Valued: Chapter 1

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The Feeling of Being Valued: Chapter 2

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It's a mess here in the USA, the CDC is saying I'm a threat to women and children, they tried to ban medical studies on queer people, they're taking trans off Stonewall, and apparently they're trying to classify trans people as terrorists? What? It's a mess, and I'm super scared and stressed, but I'm trying to focus my energy on writing and staying sane... I'm trying to throw a party soon, a board game party, with lots of queer people I know, and like, other outcast people, like furries and stuff. I don't know if I'm a good hostess, but I do want to try because I'm very lonely and sad right now, and I want to feel like I have people around me irl who've got my back...

I have gotten the contact info of like, no joke, four trans people that I met in just the past week alone, like, we met irl, and we swapped info, so that's great.
One of them, I met at a concert on Friday, I was there with my sister to see a band we like, and this girl came up to me and was like:

"Hey, I've been watching you and I just wanted to tell you you're very pretty"

And... my brain kinda fried, I did NOT know how to deal with that at all, so I was just like
"Ahahwah thankght haha"

And I was super awkward, because, of course I was, I have no idea how to 'people'. But I guess I wasn't too awkward, because she ended up giving me a valentine card and we were valentines for the last 10 minutes of v-day. It was very sweet of her, and we ended up hanging out the rest of the night, but it was too loud to really talk. We swapped info, and maybe we'll play games soon? Not sure.

The whole thing was like, it made me kinda notice that there are other people around me, even in this shitty country, in the shitty part of that country, there's still people who care... I'm really bad at contacting people, so I'm kinda hoping ether I find an excuse to message these people and start making friends, or like, they reach out and say hi to me, because I really do want to connect to them.

Until next time,

Erica

Ok, so this is a bit different, this isn't a full story, but rather just chapter one! I plan on posting one chapter of this story every other week. In a few weeks time, I'll start posting Sweet Touch on alternating weeks, meaning you should be getting a 4000-6000 word chapter every week, from something or another!
This story is about a girl named Amber who lives in a world with a type of particle that can 'compress' living things and the stuff around them. This can result in infected individuals losing limbs, dying, or simply shrinking fully to a new, smaller size. Those that lose 90% of their former mass are classified as class B citizens, and must be taken care of by a trained legal guardian.

Chapter one is out now, and you can expect to see more soon! The trigger warnings are...

Click to show

None, yet! (key word yet)

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The Feeling of Being Valued: Chapter 1

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This one has been a TON of fun to write, and I have about 4 un-edited chapters lined up ready to go, I can't wait to see what people think! As always, if you like the story or just want to talk, join the discord, I'll be posting the chapter links there too, so you'll get a notification every time a new story goes up!

Until next time,

Erica

Gods, we've hit 3000 viewers! It's a lot... I'm happy to be there, I'm hoping to hit 5k soon! So far, overall, this site has about 130,000 words on it, give or take a bit, so I'm thinking that if I post another 75k words ish, I'll hit 5k, that's how that works, right? No? Shut up, anyway, it's super cool. 3000 was the lowest view count any of my fanfics had before I deleted them, so like, in a way, this is like... me 'beating' my old achievements, but no fanfic this time, just my thoughts and ideas. Nothing wrong with fanfics ofc, but... It feels more special to have gotten here based on my own merits instead of using someone else's to build off of.

I plan on writing more and more, and I hope to publish a couple super long stories (novels?) this year, so stay tuned! Join the discord in the sidebar for updates if you want, and let me know if you think 'web serial' is the way to go, post like 6k words every couple weeks, or if it'd be better to just post like 90k words at once when it's done. I know web serials are way more popular and more likely to get more readers, but... I also know it's a big strain on the writer too, to have to write no matter what or fall behind. Right now I'm not having any issues, I'm up to like 4-5k this week and it feels like I barely wrote any, so it's not too hard to keep up, but if I'm having an episode or if I'm in a bad place, it could be months before I can write and I don't know if my readers would understand, assuming I get any...

Anyway, I'm kinda trying to take it easy writing wise this week because I have court tomorrow and I'm suuuuper stressed. If I get lucky, I'll legally be named Erica forever! If not... I wasted 4 months and $500, and I'm stuck as [deadname]. I thiiiiink it'll be ok? In like 3 months it would most likely get thrown out, but right now, I think I should be ok, I hope. I'm still stressed tho. I'm still working a bit tho, just not the 10k-15k a week that I averaged in January, but if court ends early tomorrow and it goes well... I can see myself still hitting that 10k mark!

Thank you so much for being here on this journey, friends.

Until next time,

Erica

I converted my newest story into html and have posted it! I started Sweet Touch last night, but I do want to still wait on some feedback on The Feeling Of Being Valued before I keep writing that one, just to make sure it's going in a good direction. I'm enjoying writing more and more lately, so hopefully either I start putting out more stories faster,or I start putting out longer stories.

This one is about 8000 words long, and the trigger warnings are

Click to show

spouse abuse, mild violence, and mild transphobia

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The Lover In My Walls

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I tried a new writing style with this one, and wow, never writing like that again. That was part of what made it take so long to be honest. But overall it's worth a read. As always, if you like it, or just want to chat, pop into the discord server in the sidebar!

Until next time,

Erica

Hey friends. I did it, I finished The Lover in My Walls. It's way shorter than I thought it'd be, but it wasn't one that I was really enjoying writing as much as I'd expected, so I may have ended it sooner than I normally would have. It's a good read I think, it's a serious story in the veins of Immortal or Transcybersexual, but not as graphic. I'll be converting it to HTML soon, just waiting on my sister to read it first and let me know what she thought, but... I sent her like, 20k words to pre-read this past week, so it may take a while for her to get to it.

My other story, The Feeling of Being Valued, is currently sitting at 30,000 words, and it's not looking like it'll be finished any time soon, so I may pop out another Vervex story before I finish it. I'm planning on starting Sweet Touch soon (finally) and I'll be writing that at the same time I'm writing TFoBV so like, it could be a loooong time before I update with new stories after TLiMW if I'm not putting out Vervex stuff. I have ideas for like, at least two, maybe three more Vervex stories; I need to flesh out her friend group a bit more, and there's like 2-3 more characters in her friend group that I haven't introduced yet, depending on how you count it. I'll most likely add the next one in the next story, then the next two stories will be more about the group as a whole, and we'll go from there. I don't have plans for a big overarching story for Vex, just like, slice of life stuff in that world.

As far as Sweet Touch goes though, I really really want to build that universe a lot, I have like, 5-6 characters that I want to get their own stories in that world, and of course the main story line around Candy herself.

I'm still on the fence about my story The Friends, I wanted to write it because I wanted to explore the different characters in it more, but I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that... It's my only story with a non-queer person as the main character, and also the only story with a male main character, which I think will be kinda weird to write, so I'm looking forward to developing the other characters, but the main guy... not so much. I honestly might bump it to the bottom of the list if I get to it at all.

Next, Lady and Punk, I have like a ton of it written already, but it's clunky and off, and I need to fix it more. It's in the same universe as Transcybersexual (but no overlap) so it's not too hard to get the setting right, but like, it's hard to write the main character because she's kinda blunt and angry, and that means the other, not blunt and angry characters are shown through her eyes, and are a bit less interesting on paper than they are in my head. I'm trying to work out some of the major issues with it, but I'll get to it when I get to it. I also want to have another story in that universe too, but I'm worried it borrows too much from Transcybersexual. We will have to see, it's a very similar theme, but a different execution.

Demon Lord (name subject to change) is one I'm looking forward to, it's kiiinda connected to another story, but not really. It's far enough away that it doesn't really matter. It's one of those stories that takes place over a longer period of time, so like, it's gonna be a bit longer but most likely not too long. I have three major story arcs planned in it, so it'll be... I thiiiink around 35k? It's hard to say. I thought TFoBV would be around 20k and HEY I'm 10k over and only a third done. I really don't see Demon Lord (name subject to change) becoming a novel like TFoBV is though, I don't have that much material to work with.

Lastly, I'm trying to gather my notes and old projects for Storyline. The main document I have for it is around 300 pages long, and I have like 10 other documents and stories that I ALSO have to read through and get sorted. It's not going to be a single narrative, but it'll rather be a series of 20-40 (depending) short stories all set in the same universe and setting. There will be a 'main' cast of characters, but each story could be about anyone in the setting, and all will serve to further the lore, setting, and plot. Unlike Vervex, this one 100% has an overarching story, and hoo boy, I have a lot to get though. My timeline, not outline, timeline, is 8 pages long. I'll try to make the lore and timeline stuff not important to the enjoyment of the stories of course, but for ME, there's a lot of work that's gone into this project. I've been working on it in one form or another for the past 16 years, and it's had no less than 3 full scraps where I started over and tried again, so this is like, the final boss of my writing.

Or, it would be, if not for the novel I want to get published, LISE. I can't share too much about that one, I'll just say that I got about 50k words in before I decided I needed to be better at writing first because it's very very important to me, and pushed it to the end of my "to write" list.

All told, I have about 12 regular stories, a novel, 20-40 stories for Storyline, and LISE to get through before I'm done. It seems like a lot, and it is, but it's like, it's good, because it means I can just keep writing for a while. I don't know how long I'll be around, I'm trying to prioritize stuff, but like, I feel like I'm really getting my soul out there or something. (I did hit about 17k words last week though, so that is pretty good IMO.)

Until next time,

Erica

Hey, friends. Or whoever reads this, really, I most likely don't know you, and we'll most likely never be friends, but you're here, and you're reading my bullshit anyway, so that's something.

I had a pretty bad week last week tbh. I ended up losing most of my friends because I can't shut up about my problems, and I ended up hurting people by making them depressed and upset because I wouldn't stop talking about how much I hated myself and how much I wanted to die, which is fair. I wasn't trying to dump all that on them, it was just like, I have a hard time not saying everything that's on my mind, and as a result, I just go off.

I'm a very anxious person as it is, and I'm like, super depressed, so talking to me at all is a risk, it's a danger. Like, there's always a chance that instead of being a normal person, I'll be a super depressed blob that will infect everything I touch. I don't know how to fix this, almost everyone I knew blocked me, so I can't even say like "hey, can you help me change?" I just would need to figure it out myself.
I've lost several friend groups at this point because I can't stop myself from just being 100% open about my feelings and moods. I snap at people for telling me what to do, I gush about how much stuff sucks, and I frequently will go off on long, long tangents in DMs or even general chats where I just rant and rant, and I can't stop, I feel like it needs to be said.

Anyway, because of all that, I'm withdrawing. I've left almost all of the servers I was in, I canceled all the RSVPs to parties, munches and meetups I had planned, I canceled the people looking at the room I have for rent, and I canceled meeting up with people I know irl.

I can't be trusted around people, I can't be trusted to talk to people like a normal human. I'm trying very very hard to never talk about myself when I DO talk to the people I trust who haven't blocked me (relatives not included, there's 4 of them, and only 2 of them actually talk to me still). It's hard, and I want to just, exist, but me just existing hurts people, and like, I can't deal with that. I can't think about hurting people in that way, it makes me feel sick, idk.

I think I'm going to go back to my old shut-in days, having everything delivered, not going out, not talking to anyone, not going out, just being at home rotting or at work rotting. It's the safest, most moral thing to do. I really don't want to be the cause of more hurt in the world ig.

Anyway. I've been writing a lot more. I got out about 10k words last week, and I'm up to about 5k so far this week. I worked a bit on The Lover in My Walls, but mostly I've been working on a new project, The Feeling Of Being Valued. It's really fun to write, and I'm up to 22k words in like 4 weeks, and like, I have so much more to go still, I'm just trying to get the words out. I got my court date for my name change, it's next month, so like, that's putting me in endgame. Once that's done, I'm basically on a countdown timer, just waiting on my IDs being changed and my will to be written and stuff, and... I really don't want to leave with stuff still in my head that I haven't gotten out yet. I know I most likely won't get LISE done, that's going to be about 300k words if my estimate is right, and I know the 40 stories in the Storyline universe won't get done at ALL, but I'll try to get some done. For now, I just really want to finish the two I'm working on, get out the rest of the Vervex stories, and get Sweet Touch finished, that's the minimum I need to finish before I leave.

I might drop The Friends, and Demon Lord (which was supposed to be a novella) might end up getting nerfed, but Lady and Punk will be finished too, assuming I last that long. I just really don't like the idea of leaving stuff undone, even if my stories are shitty and not very good, they're all I have, and I just. I need to get them out before I go. So, after this is posted, I'm going to try and hit at least another 3k words on The Feeling of Being Valued today, and I WANT to hit 15k words by the end of the week if I can, I'm already on my way.

Anyway, the server link will be up there for now, but... I think I might remove it soon, idk. It seems like it'd cause problems to have strangers talking to me, no mater how badly I want feedback.

Until next time,

Erica

Well friends, I'm still not doing much better than I was last week. I'm not, like, actively about to kill myself like I was, but like. I still want to, you know? It's a rough time, and I'm having a really hard time going through everything and feeling like I'll be ok. I went to a different group to talk about queer stuff Thursday, the long running group, and like, I couldn't really even say anything or do anything, I just sat there and cried for the whole hour and a half. I tried to like, hide it, but people knew. The person in charge of the meeting asked if I was ok after, and I was honest, and I was like, "no". And what do you respond to that? So she was like "do you want to talk?" and no, I didn't I guess, because I just said "no, I don't think so" and she was like "well, let me know if you do". So like it was nice of her, but like it was really awkward for me and I was really in my head and not really all there the whole time...

Then after, I got an email from the founder of the group, which like, wow, that's like, what? And she was like "hey I heard you weren't ok, what's wrong? Do we need to get coffee?" And it's like, I don't think I could go out and sit and talk rn, so I just apologized and kinda summed up my issues and ended it with that. She was nice to reach out, but I feel like an ass, just like, going to a meeting like that and causing problems for people and not even doing anything about it. It did kinda help me like, figure out what was wrong overall, and it's a lot of stuff, and I'm gonna try and sum it up here, so bear with me...

First off, and most important, I'm lonely. Like super lonely, and I don't know why. I see Rin like 3 days a week, I see my co-worker like 3 days a week, like, I should be getting enough people, right? But I just want people so bad... I want to be able to go out and enjoy the world and sit and hang out and have like parties and stuff or something, I miss having friends so, so much... But also... I want a partner. I want someone that I trust enough to touch, without my brain freaking out, I want to hold someone and cuddle while watching tv or just talking, I want someone who sees me for me, and I can wear my lazy day clothes around and still feel like a woman because I know they still see me as a woman. I want to love, I don't think I ever have before, and I want to so so much it hurts. I just want to love and feel loved...

I want to be a mother, I want a child, a baby to raise and to care for, I want to do a better job than my mom and I want to help this child become the best person they can be. I want to watch them grow up, and to teach them things, and to play games with them and show them cool stuff and take them to the park and see who they become as they get older. I want someone to call me 'mom' and to feel like I can take on the world for them and that they're safe because I'm there for them. I want a kid so bad that just typing all this out is making my chest hurt...

I miss my family. I miss my mother and my siblings. I know I can never be around my mother, I know she doesn't respect or believe in my gender identity, and I know she can't be trusted, and she's manipulative, but I miss the her that I knew before I realized that stuff. I miss having a mom. I want to see my siblings more than once every 6 months, I want to get to play board games and ttrpgs with them, I want to let them sleep over and eat junk and drink energy drinks because I'm the cool older sister, and let them watch scary movies they're old enough for, but that mom and dad would never let them see. I want to have a family, and I can't help but feel like it's my fault that I don't have one. I know I didn't choose to be trans, I never would have chosen this, heck, I fought against it for years and years, and pushed it down until I tried to kill myself because I didn't want it, but like... It's still like, if I could have sucked it up and not been a little bitch and just ignored that I was trans, maybe I'd still have my family.

Not my dad though. He can get bent, I hate him. He bullied, hurt, and harassed me my whole life, and like, it was only just recently with his targeting of another sibling that I realized why. He knew I was queer, and he was trying to bully me to be cis and straight. The slaps, the punches, the pushing me down stairs, the choking me, it was all because I was queer, and he could tell.

I'm also really struggling with dysphoria a lot more lately. It's really bad. It was getting better as I took my medicine and worked hard on looking better, but those things have stagnated, my boobs aren't getting any bigger, my face isn't changing, my voice sounds like crap, and I still feel way too masc to really be comfortable in non-queer spaces. In other words, I do not pass and I just hate that. I would give anything to just pass in any way, like, I don't need to be attractive or anything, I don't need to look good or to have people want me, I just want to look fem enough to like, blend in. It hurts to look in the mirror again, I don't know what more I can do, it's just so overwhelming.

My social anxiety and agoraphobia are back, and they're not as bad as they were, but they are pretty bad, and it's making it hard to want to go out and do anything, to put myself out there. I've been doing something weekly for about a year, and it's just too much. Call me a quitter, but like, I don't know if I can do it, if I can do this. I am having people over this weekend to look at a room, to see if they want to move in, but like, I'm dreading it even though they're cool people and I like them, and they seem like a good fit for my house from what I know. I just... the idea of having people in my house all the time, 24/7, it's scary, and I'm like, aaaa over it? I know I need to have people rent rooms though, because of the next point...

I should NOT have gotten a house. I really regret it. It was the wrong time, it was a bad market, and I don't need a whole house, at all. I paid a ton for the house, and the market dropped almost instantly after, and now if I sold my house for market value, I'd still owe $35,000 on it after the sale. I don't even think I wanted a house, I just felt like I needed to, everyone kept telling me how important it was, and like, now that I have it, there's stuff I like about it, but also... I didn't need a whole house... and now I'm stuck here in this horrible state in a terrible political climate that hates me for being me.

Overall, I just... really am going through a lot, and it's so, so hard to want to be alive. If I die, there's a 51% chance I come back as a woman, and only a 3% chance I'd be trans. I... really dislike being trans. It hurts so much, and it causes most of my problems. I'm stuck like this though, I tried to pretend it's something you can ignore or push down or hide from, but it's just a part of me, forever, and... it always has been. My mom said she even kinda knew when I was super little, 4-5 I was already showing signs, it's me, and it's a part of me and I hate it. I want to die and reroll, just, stop playing on hardmode and do an easy run next time. I know everyone has problems, and I'm not the only one to be in pain or to be going through hurt, but if there's a chance I can dip and feel better next life, gods, it's so tempting. It sounds so good, like, just so nice, to just slip away, fall out of this body into the rebirth cycle, to be re-shaped and reset, to be released back into the world anew, a fresh experience. I know I wouldn't really know what I'd have escaped from, but my soul would, it would feel lighter, more free, and that would make my life better overall, I think.

I'm not phobic at all. I prefer the company of queer people, if I dated someone, I would prefer they be a trans woman (just so I feel more comfortable about my dysphoria), I think being queer is great and all the best people I know are queer, and the straight ones are.... not kind. So like, don't think me saying that I wish I wasn't trans or that being trans is the worst part of my life is me saying that I don't like trans people. I feel at home with them, I feel the connection, the love, the trust and community. If it weren't for the trans community, I'd be dead. It's just, for me, being trans is painful and it makes me hurt, and I just resent that it was pushed onto me... I've been told that hating that I'm trans IS transphobic, but... Only by cis people. I think that if you don't dislike being trans, like that's good, I am proud of you and your self acceptance and I hope you bloom and grow into the person you want to be.
But
I can't imagine being trans without the pain. It's... like, part of it, to me. Like, the hurt is how I knew, it's what defined it for me, and because of that, it's just really hard to imagine people who like being trans... I know they exist, I know people who love it, and they just talk about how much fun it is and how they love getting to do 'trans stuff' and like, I'm happy for them, I envy them, like, a TON, I just can't imagine it for myself, and I think that adds to the hurt...

Anyway, there's more, little stuff, other things that aren't as big a deal, but like, those reasons are why I want to kill myself, in a nutshell. It may seem dumb or like it's no big deal, but they impact me hard, and I don't see any way to overcome them, so like. Yeah, if there's a 51% chance I'll reincarnate into a woman, let's go, I'm there. And if I reincarnate as a man? There's a 97% chance I won't have dysphoria, so like. I won't even care. I'm a mess, but I'm still here, for some reason. I'm just trying to get everything figured out so I can exit at the right time, and to make sure I really do need to.

Until next time,

Erica

Ok friends, I know I usually don't post this close to another post, and I really should be focusing on my next story, but holy SHIT I had the worst night last night...

To start out, I was feeling super suicidal, and like, I really really wanted to do it, which is like, already rough, and I kinda was a terrible friend to a couple people and just absolutely ruined their evenings, and I feel really really bad about that. I just overshared and talked about suicide, and just acted like an ass and refused to be helped, it was really rough, I feel super shitty about it.

Anyway, I've been having issues with something in my house since I moved in, idk what, but like, I've seen shadow people, heard footsteps, knocking on the doors, jiggling door handles, all that, and a while ago I started seeing the shadow people in my room, like these hazy, hard to focus on figures that are just. In my room. I've seen them before then, like in my living room, outside in my yard, running up my stairs, but they only started showing up in my room earlier this year. They just stood there, or walked past my bed, but like 4-5 months ago, they started lining my bed, standing over me and watching me, it was REALLY freaky, I don't understand why they did that, but I put shelves around my bed so like 70% of my bed is blocked in by walls or shelves so they can't surround me like that, and they kinda stayed mostly quiet for a while, I'd hear footsteps, or the bumping, but nothing serious.
Well, starting a few nights ago, there's been something under my bed, shuffling, and making noise, like, sniffing, almost? Which is weird, because they've never made any noises before. Then last night, things got super scary, and super serious.

There were two of them, and they started by rocking my bed, just a bit, which woke me up, and I just lay there, confused, and they did it again, and then again, and then harder, to the point that my headboard was banging against the wall, making banging sounds. I was pretty well awake, and super freaked out, and I tried to pretend to be asleep so they'd leave me alone, but one of them CLIMBED ON MY BED and leaned over me. I could feel his breath on my face, and it felt really weird, and it was cold for some reason, and he just hovered there, staring me down for ages, I just lay there crying, trying to stay still, but my heart was pounding, I was sweating ice cold sweat, and the tears were streaming, so I'm sure they knew I was awake. Finally, the thing got off the bed, and I LIFTED UP into the air, off my mattress, under my covers still, and spun in the air. My head was killing me, and I couldn't really move because my sheets were wrapped around me, then I fell down, and they were gone. I had to untangle my sheets and they were all pulled out of the bottom of the bed and turned the wrong way, and I was so, so freaked out.

Based on my pokemon sleep app, they were there from about 2 AM to about 5-6 AM, and I can TELL. I am so so tired, I feel like I didn't sleep a wink, and like. I have therapy tonight, and I need to be able to like, talk there. It's a mess, and I'm honestly really scared to go home and sleep again, and even if I stay up, they still might show up. I might end up sleeping on the couch, just... try a different location and see if that helps, I don't know what to do and I'm really worked up about the whole thing.

Until next time,

Erica

Howdy friends, I'm still not doing great mentally, but because of some weird scheduling and the holidays, I have two different group therapies just this week, which is... Either I'll feel like crap after that, or I'll feel way better. The first is tomorrow, and it's like, and hour away, so that's... "fun", but it's low key and I think maybe it'll be nice. I really need people in my life, it's been really hard, and when I'm around people, I'm not as sad, it like. Delays the sad? Then when I'm alone again I'm more sad that I was before, like it builds up, then dumps out when people leave. Kinda weird. I don't have the energy to be around people 24/7, it's really draining to be around others even if it makes me happy, so I''m thinking maybe the "move into a hole and never see the light of day again" plan is the best one.

I just really want to stop being like this.

Anyway, to try and cheer myself up, I used my end of year bonus to buy a vr headset. It's pretty fun, I really like beatsaber, and there's a minigolf game I like, but the more complicated ones, like skyrim, those make me suuuper sick. I was literally on the floor moaning after like 30 minutes of skyrim... I hear it's kinda common, but like, people say I'll get over it eventually? I just hope it happens soon, because it feels awful.
I really want to play VR chat, like, get a cute avatar and like, just play around with people, make some friends? But YEESH my social anxiety has stressed me out to the point where I can't even think about OPENING the game, much less go around and chat and stuff. I have really bad voice dysphoria, so like, it's hard as it is to want to go out and talk around people, much less just let my voice and an avatar be the only thing representing me in the game. I think people will most likely be nice? I just... I'm scared... It's really rough, that's all I got.

Another thing I've been dealing with is like, I'm so tired ALL the time. Like I got 10 and something hours of sleep last night, and I swear to god, I could just go back to bed right now, and it's like one in the afternoon, I know I've been sick, but at the same time, I've been having this issue for ages, even before I was sick, before the holidays even. I've been eating my veggies and proteins and all that, and taking my vitamins, and I've been TRYING to focus on things that calm me and relax me, but it's still so hard to feel rested. I do sleep, I track it in pokemon sleep, and it does show that I'm actually sleeping, but it's not working, if that makes sense.
I've been having more visions, which is different from a dream, but like, they both happen when I sleep, so that could be it, because these visions don't really do what dreams do, they're more like, images from something else (I think Mab), cast into my head for one reason or another. My most recent one was wonderful, I was a six armed goddess with blue skin and red hair the texture of a sea anemone, and I was flying through a series of archways, kind of like MC Escher's Other World pieces, but in all directions on a grid. Some were open, and I could fly between them, and some were windows to other places, and I had a very long paintbrush that I used to paint into these other places. I'd paint fish in the seas, stars in the skies, wonderful things. I 'woke' while I was having this vision, and the vision overlapped with reality, and I could see and feel myself flying through the archways, while I felt myself sitting grounded in bed. It took a good 20 seconds or so for the visions to fade fully and my senses to refocus on just my physical body.
It's a blessing to get these visions, of course, but at the same time, I do wonder if they're what's making me tired...

Anyway, I've been writing a lot on my most recent story, it's already longer than transcybersexual by a good bit, which is like, wow, I feel like I'm really pumping this one out, it's great! It'll be done... I have no idea, but I'm working hard, and I'll keep working hard. I say working 'hard', but it's a lot of fun, and it isn't a chore at all, it's just, like, going along and writing what I want, and that's a good feeling.
I want to get all my blog posts moved to an archive, a new page where all my stuff from 2024 is, and just leave the 2025 stuff on the main page, maybe re-order them so they'll read in chronological order from top to bottom too, for easier reading, but that's a lot of work, and while I will do it eventually, I need to find time to sit down and work on it for a couple hours at home, and that can be a pain...

Anyway, I'll just keep doing what I do. My server is really popping off, which is nice, my friends are in it now, no idea of they read the blog, but like, it's a lot of fun to have a server full of people I trust.

Until next time,

Erica

Please follow the link below for my archive of posts from 2024, now in an easy to read chronological order! They had to be removed from the main page because it was slowing down both the page loading in, and editing the backend, but all the posts are still there, preserved as they originally were.

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2024 Blog Post Archive

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(Opinions stated in the archive may not refelct my current beliefs)