My Blog Posts

Gosh it has been one heck of a week... I am so tired, and I think I may be coming down with something? My throat has hurt since early Saturday, and I and exhausted... My friends think it's just a physical stress response to all the anticipation I have for my brother E coming to stay with me in 5.5 days (less than a week!!!) and I guess I could see that. I have been making lists of what to do, when to do it, what to clean, what I'll wear when, who's coming over, who I need to come out to before they DO come over, what to cook and what we'll eat when, it's... Yeah, I'm pretty frazzled. And honestly, it's my brother, I could just let him show up with nothing but a couple boxes of cereal and dust on every surface and he'd be like "Erica you're such a great host, thank you for having me" because he's just that kind of guy.

I know I shouldn't worry so much, but it's been like 9+ months since I saw him and he's like, one of the best people out there, so I really want to be able to focus on spending time with him while he's here, not thinking of things to do, or cleaning, or having to do stuff I could have gotten done before he came... My sister and the two mids, the middle siblings, are coming over Thursday because we have a looong day on Friday going all over ATL before we pick E up at the airport, and she has graciously offered to help clean while I'm at work, and the mids will help make my lawn look great too. The cleaning I'll try to do as much as I can, so she's not on her knees doing baseboards or something, but there's a lot and I can only do so much after work. The lawn is a different story though, I used to mow lawns, I used to ride around on a big machine and mow lawns with E and my other sister, but these days if I even stay in the sun for an hour I turn bright pink, and it's not a cute pink... My skin has gotten a lot more thin and I think lighter since I started HRT and that may be it? I just know I am not great in the sun anymore.

I had to end my fast a day early by the way. I was doing the thing where you don't have any "cloudy" liquids like V8 or OJ, so I lived on apple juice and white grape juice and stuff all week, and by Thursday I was falling over and I couldn't think straight, so I had some vegan jerky, and basically felt like garbage while my body remembered how it worked for like two days. I'm feeling ok now, but I'm not sure how I'm going to approach my fasts in the future... 
I was planning on fasting/not drinking on Friday because I'll be in the big city in a skirt and makeup and I do not know how the bathroom situation will turn out, but I am not sure if that's a great idea, seeing E for the first time in ages with a headache and dry throat will be rough, and I usually drink a lot of water. I'm not sure, lil sister will be with me, so I may be able to just go with her, and it be easier? but it's still scary.

I am spinning my gears waiting for this upcoming weekend, and I don't really know what's next after that, this one weekend has sooo much going on that I've been looking forward to, E coming over, the con, a big family potluck, a game night, it'll be crazy. After that though, I have nothing planned or scheduled at all for the rest of the year, or at all really. I may lose my job, yeah, but there's a lot of uncertainty about that, and it's not something to "look forward to". I have my house, a car, I have everything I want physically (except maybe some more outfits) and emotionally I want a relationship but I know I'm not emotionally enough yet, so that's out, I don't know, it just feels like I have nothing left to look forward to. My lil sister says that's a really bad way to look at things, and it's unhealthy, but I don't mean to think of it like that, it just happens.

Maybe I'll find something at the con to look forward to, join a LARP or something? Not sure, I've never LARPed in my life, but they're always recruiting new people at cons, so it may be worth looking into? I'm honestly a bit nervous about the con and all the places we were talking about going to Friday, I hear the big city will be way more accepting of me than where I live, but I go out at least once a week (or I try to, as part of my agoraphobia therapy) and every time I get a strange reaction from someone. Being called a slur, being called "sir", being laughed at, being glared at, being stared at, being "stared" at... I was getting a slurpie yesterday in the gas station by my house, and this older man, 55+ with white hair, a grizzled look, cowboy clothes, and one pierced ear fully turned away from the cashier and stared at me, ignored her telling him to pay the first time, and then put his card in without turning away from me. I tried to act like I didn't notice, but he kept looking at me as he finished, got his purchase, and walked out the door, looking at me over his shoulder as he walked away.
That was creepy. Really creepy. it felt like he was going to follow me home and murder me or something, I honestly was pretty scared, and all he did was stare. I had to go home and sit on the couch with Roger for a while, it was not fun.
I really think it'll be better at the con because there's a TON of queer nerds, but the rest of the day, when I'll be going to random interesting stores around town, that's... less sure. I don't want another old man death staring me, and I'm really worried about being actively hate crime-ed. I really don't pass, and I feel like such a target, but I can't go out and be seen by that many people and be wearing a masc costume, it'd be torture. I have to risk it, but it doesn't mean I can't be scared. Maybe I'll bring my taser, or my pepper spray? We'll see...

Until next time,

Erica

My boss asked me to kill him today. It's been a while since he asked me to do that, I think... 10 months?
He used to ask a lot, swap back and forth between asking me to do it and telling me he was going to do it on the spot. I called 911 a few times, but he always said he was fine and that he didn't know what I was talking about when the cops showed up. I kinda realized he didn't really want to do it, he wanted me to think he wanted to do it and try and cheer him up. idk, it's a shitty feeling, being manipulated into making someone try and make you feel better. To use something they struggle with themselves to pull them in and try and make them feel feeling they would usually never feel for you, like compassion or care.
I don't know that he remembers me telling him I've tried it myself, but I assume he didn't care enough to remember. He generally doesn't remember anything anyone tells him about themselves, he just makes up a fake them in his head and just assumes they're like that. It's frustrating, and I try to not be the me in his head as much as I can to break his image of me, but he doesn't really ever notice. He's like the only person in my life I'm not out to, the only person I can't dress how I want around and have makeup on around. It'll come out eventually, my sister T can't keep a secret, and it'll worm its way back to him as she gossips with everyone around her. I'm (mostly) prepared for it, I know I'll lose my job when he finds out, if not because of him, because of his violently phobic wife. And I don't think I qualify for any jobs that make as much as I make now, so I most likely will lose my house. I feel a little validated by that thought though, like, I'm proving I'm really trans because I'm willing to lose my home over it, to be homeless and to have to sell all my books over it. I know I'm trans, but sometimes it's nice to know you're trans, even more, you know?

I'll probs end up back at a dead end store selling beer to losers at 10:45 at night again, living in a rented trailer or sharing an apartment with 3 other people I hate. And you know what? I think I want that. Even if it's shitty and horrible and everything comes crashing down around me, I'll be me. It hurts so much to go to work, and even in my nice, loose unisex jumpsuit that hides my boobs and makes me look androgynous, I still feel like I'm trampling on my soul a bit each day. I long for the moment where I can burn this gilded cage and be free, free to make shitty decisions and crash and burn for the rest of my life, as ME.
I look at all this stuff, and feel all the pressure and the anxiety and stuff, stuff like my boss asking me to kill him or the puppy dying, or the brain worms and I think "Oh gosh I have it so hard, how can I keep going?" and then other times I look at the good stuff, like my mom and dad kind of almost starting to work on accepting me, and my brother coming for a visit next week, or the three online friends who offered me a place to stay if I lose my house, and... it's like "How DARE I feel sorry for myself? There are trans girls out there dying and getting stabbed and being sent to camps." and I think a lot of it comes down to my flair I put on my life. 
Neither side is too right, neither side is too wrong, there aren't even sides. I just assign a writer's importance to stuff in my life, and assume it means something. Like I'm a character instead of a human. "this event fucked me up, so it must be important down the line, I need to understand and process it to find out why it happened" when really... Shit just happens, all the time, for no reason. The puppy didn't die to show me I wanted a pet. I didn't have teeth problems to force me out of my agoraphobia and into a public place, it's all just stuff that happens. It's ironic, I hate being compared to media, and here I am pretending I'm in a book.

Speaking of books, I did end up finishing that book I was reading, it's called "Nevada" by Imogen Binnie. It's pretty iconic in the trans-sphere, a cult classic from what I hear. I've been putting it off for a long time, but I got to it in my stack of "to be read" so I decided to give it a shot

It's really sad, mostly it's about the rough, hard experience of being trans, the before and after are both pretty well captured in the book through two characters. The post-transition character is a very anarcho-punk lady named Maria who is going through a rough patch in her life, and had been for what seems like her while life. She's 6 years into transition, and can pass on the average day, and her thoughts are full of trans ideology, self hate, and emotional doubts. Very relatable.
The pre-transition character is a character named James H. who refuses to admit [she's] trans (yet). [Her] thoughts are full of fears of being an autogynephilic, stoned revelations of "wisdom" and just the most egg trains of thought you can imagine.
I really really liked the book, it was very well written and very relatable, it felt like lived experiences on page, and while it was fictional, I got the feeling it wasn't THAT fictional. It made me cry a bit, and I think I'm going to let my mom read it. It's not perfect for explaining stuff to a cis person, but I think it'll be helpful for her in a couple ways at least.

This week's comic was a very cute one called "Doughnuts and Doom" by Balazs Lorinczi. I don't know why I seem to be on a lesbian comic kick, but that's just how it goes I guess. I think it's because while I like gay men in comics and stuff, I can't really see myself as the characters so I'm less likely to want to read it? I'm pan, not lesbian, so... I feel weird just reading lesbian comics, but here we are. If there were more trans comics, I'd be allll over that!

The book is a really cute story about a witch, and a musician who plays... I thiiink some kind of rock? I tried to figure out her sound, but it's hard to tell because I know nothing about music. It's a simple "enemies to friends to ???" story that feels really gay, but thinking about it wasn't actually that gay. It was fun though! and the colors were really cute, kind of a trans pallet over the whole thing which made me really hope there would end up being a "oh actually the witch is trans!" moment, and make it a sweet story about acceptance or something, but no, just blue white and pink for no reason. I do recommend reading it, but maybe see about getting it in person, my copy fell apart by the time I got to the end, and the pages fell out, which was really sad, and I wish I had been able to check the binding before I bought it.

This week's song is... *checks playlist* Gorehound! by Harley Poe. A returning artist, I really like them, and they have a ton of bangers! This one is pretty edgy, and it has some mentions of sa, so be warned, but it's mostly a song about loving movies with gore and stuff that "normal" people would think is sick or disturbed. I really like gore and movies with gore and taboo and stuff, it always made me feel safe, almost accepted in a way. It's fun to see people get slain (in movies ofc) and it gives me a sense of joy that the song really relays. The line "You say my head is fucked / With a dark and twisted heart / Well I say that it’s cathartic, just another form of art" pretty much sums up my views on horror in general. I think some of us need stuff like gore movies or horror films to help us release some pressure. I'm not saying "If I didn't have horror movies I'd go out and hurt people!!1!" It's more of "If I didn't have horror movies, I would be a LOT more stressed and wound up than I am now (and you know I'm already very stressed and wound up)"
Give it a listen, as always, and hopefully next time I'll have another song for you!

Until next time,

Erica

Wow, I have had one heck of a doozy of a week. I got a TON of writing done on my story, at least compared to what I HAVE been doing, and I'm up to like... I think it was around 21k? I actually wrote when I was planning on reading, and as a result, I didn't have a chance to finish the book I'm reading like I thought I would. 

This week though, it starts coming and it just keeps coming... On Wednesday I accidentally saw a very disturbing video of the war in Palestine, and like, don't get me wrong, I love seeing gore and even real medical gore can be cool to me, but... this was a step further than that, it was very traumatizing for me, and I cried and cried... It was very graphic, in such a casual way, I could not stand it...
The very next day, I was at work, and it came to my attention that there was an injured puppy that needed my help, and it was really hurt, like, really hurt, and I offered to take it to the shelter when I could get off work, and I thought that it'd be fine for a bit, so I went and tried to finish my work super fast, but when I got done and got back, it was dead... Not because it had passed away from the wounds, but because someone KILLED IT because they didn't think it was worth saving. It was just a little baby, and it needed love, and care, and it died before I could save it... Except, it was in pain, and I went to work anyway, so really it's my fault because I should have dropped everything to save it, why on earth did I just... think it'd be ok??? I feel so guilty, and I have cried about it every day since.

Then the next day, I found out my mom was telling my siblings that I wouldn't be allowed to see them until I went back in the closet, and that I wouldn't be allowed to have them over without "compromise", and that they were going to make me de-trans. THAT freaked me out, so so much. I called my siblings and tried to find out how much was true, then that night one of my siblings went to my mother and she got mad at me and I had to call her, so the next day I did, and we talked for over an hour...
It... was not quite a misunderstanding, but something close. I felt ignored, ghosted, and like my mom and dad were angry at me, and I was taking things up to 11 when it was really more like a 6. We figured things out a bit, but my mom wanted to come over yesterday with my dad to talk things over with me in person, and... I kinda wanted it all over and done with so I was happy to do it.
I'm still not entirely sure how it all worked out, but I ended up coming to an agreement with them that I can be myself, and they'll try to respect my name and pronouns, but I have to understand that it'll be hard, and I'm allowed to see my siblings, but they can tell the siblings what I'm doing is a 'sin' even if they still should love me.

They did say I will lose my job, and my mom really wants me to wfh for my safely, but I'm not sure I can make rent on a wfh paycheck. She said that my boss will find out though, because he has ties to my family, so if my extended family finds out, I'm fucked. He's not very understanding and is very... mm, not kind, and his wife is actively phobic, and mean about it, so... I knew I couldn't stay there forever, but I'm not sure where else to go to be honest. I really like the freedom to write at work from time to time, and I like being alone all the time, and yeah the no AC sucks, but I do like the large indoor warehouse that I can pace while I work in, really crank up those steps, I hit 21k-24k regularly, and I really like that. It could be hard to find something else... Oh, and the sun, I do NOT get along well with the sun, so an outdoors job is right out... I know I'm being really picky and focusing on the weird details, but I really don't want to lose my job here. I have safety, kinda? Not really because if I come out I'm gone, but right now, no matter how late I show up, or what i do while I'm there, I will never get fired, and THAT is a safety. I'm not replaceable, and maybe I can use that to my advantage? I don't know... Maybe my lil sis will move in for more than 3 days a week and pay rent and we can split the costs? but she's part time and would need a new job anyway so ehhhh...
I don't know, it seems like a good ending, it's not perfect, but it's better than I was hoping for at least? I really think they want to try. I was in full fem clothes, all my makeup, with sparkles and like, a lower cut top and jewelry to show that I'm really a girl, and yeah, I know I looked extra and flashy, much more than I usually do, but I wanted to make a point. I think they noticed, and I mentioned to them that I tried to present as girly as possible just for them, so I think that helped them understand how important it was to be seen as a woman. My mom even texted me late last night and told me she thought I looked lovely. That... made me cry pretty hard, in a good way.
I have a lot of hope for the future, and I really think it's going to be ok, despite how chaotic and stressful this week has been. 

Today is Sunday, and I'm starting up my juice fast again, I'll eat a bit today, but not dinner, and then I'll break the fast Friday at work with some vegan jerky, hopefully that works much better than last time. I am SO looking forward to it, the clarity, the focus, the clean feeling, my stomach not hurting at all... It'll be fantastic!

I also read a little comic this week, it just came out, and it's adorable! I took a picture of the cover because like I was told, this blog needs more pics. It's not the book I was reading, but when it arrived, I just had to read it, it was soooo cute...
It's called Lucky Cap Scouts, and it's by O. Stevens. It's a Silver Sprocket comic, and the art style is wonderful!

It's about a girl who can't stop buying lil guys, like blind box figures? and they're all so cute and sweet she just has to keep buying more and more. As someone who used to be WAY too into blind box figures and lil guys in general, it was really relatable. The scouts all have funny personalities and gimmicks that make them individuals, but the main one, Checkers, has a bit of a mental breakdown about their identity. I think it's a good read if you can grab it, it comes with stickers, and a cool postcard, so give it a try!

Thank you all so much for sticking around, and sorry it's been 5 days since my last update, I was a girl in crisis, but hopefully it'll be ok!

Until next time,

Erica

I'm back! It's been a bit, but I am back. I haven't had much to say so I kinda held off on making a post. I have been writing though! Not the story I was working on, but a new thing, based on a dream I had Sunday night. It was very nice and cozy and it had a lot of fun friends in it, and I really want to make it into a story, but I'm not quite sure how it'd look yet. I thought about making it from the perspective of the person in the dream that was out of place, the normal guy, but then I'd have to write from the perspective of a guy, and... I don't know if I want to do that. I drew a lot of pictures of the characters, and I kinda want to post them here and share my ideas, but... I'm ass at art, and the pictures look like a 5 year old drew them if I'm honest. I think I'd be embarrassed if anyone saw them. I do want to do the whole story though, it shouldn't be too long, and it'd be something light hearted to work on while I work on my other, not at all light hearted story.
I've been told I need something else on my blog to make it look better, to look more unique. more pictures, more links, make the page extend all the way out to each side instead of just going in the middle, idk, I thought it was cozy, but maybe not. I'm looking at a layout designer that I may use, but as for more pictures... I  don't know, maybe pictures of the book covers I'm talking about? Something like that? I'm sure I'll figure out something, I really want this blog to be a success.

Still no word from the parents since I came out, pure radio silence. I can't say I'm too upset, I feel like the anticipation is killing me, but the idea of actually having them tell me to my face "We don't think you're a real woman and we will never accept you" is stomach churning...
Being trans is hard enough without all this drama going on. I've got a huge black hole in my chest sucking away all my joy and self confidence, and then my 'family' comes along like "oh, yeah, we're with the hole". 
I really wanted to build a community with my writing and this blog and my discord server, a place where I could find other trans girls and maybe find friends, but I kinda wonder if I'm in a quarantine, like online. Have I mentioned that before? It seems familiar, but the thing is, I try to join servers, and no one responds to me or really engages with me, I try to make friends, and people stop talking to me after a bit, I try to make a blog on a website that I'm seeing other people get 1000s of views on, and I'm still under 150, and I'm pretty sure a lot of those are just like, bots.
I know the first step is to produce content worth sticking around for, and I will, I'm working hard, I just have a hard time sticking to one thing, I float around and I really need to focus on getting ONE thing done. but I feel if I don't at least get my ideas down for other stuff, then I'll lose it forever... It's tricky, it's a hard balance of "don't let good ideas go" and "just finish the project, damnit"
I'll try and get the big project finished soon, I really will work on it, and then I will be free to write the silly one all the time! I just need to power through this rough bit and be free to fly through the rest, and I can do it. Not tomorrow though, I have a big work thing to do, and I have to see my boss, and... I really don't like my boss, and I won't have a chance to write. But I'll work on it Thursday at least, if not Friday too!
Sorry if this post is kinda all over the place, I'm dealing with some big emotions (dysphoria, frustration, insecurity, fear, and the feeling all my friends look down on me, the usual) but this time the static and brain worms aren't coming in to muddle things up and save me, so I  get to feel alllllll of those emotions in crystal clear Estro-Vision. I'll be ok, but my insides are all tied up, so my writing comes out tied up too.

I am like, halfway through reading my next book, I'll have it done by Friday at the latest, so I can tell you about it then! I think it's really good so far, and the emotions of the book are playing on my emotions in real life, so that's... weird, but it feel nice.

I think I'll find something nostalgic to watch tonight, something... cartoon-y and old. I'll see what I can find, but hopefully it levels me out!

Until next time,

Erica

Hello friends! I think because of my fast, I just haven't written anything fiction all week, I don't know why, I've brainstormed ideas for other projects, so I was feeling creative, I just didn't have the drive. I did get my YouTube watch later down into the single digits though, so... That's something. I can't wait until I'm done with it fully and I can stop visiting that hell site, go back to, idk, podcasts or something. I play rougelikes while I "watch" yt, so it gives me a feeling of double productive, but a lot of the time I don't really need to know about what I'm watching, it's just fluff. I am not against learning about stuff because you want to, even if it's 'useless', I just often realize halfway through a video that... I do not care about the subject at all actually, why did I click on it? 
Anyway, I have several stories lined up now either way after the one I'm working on, so I'm pretty excited to finish up and get moving forward with them. I'm at a difficult part of the story rn in the one I'm working on, and it kinda makes me feel ehhhh to write it, but I need to for the story, and I think once I'm past it, it'll be quick to finish, and then I can start editing it and re-writing the bad parts, but I am not letting myself do ANY edit work until the end. It'll come soon, I will make an effort to get past the part I'm at now this week and hopefully get to a place where I can finish it out fast.

I ended my fast last night with a personal vegan kale and mushroom pizza (well, half of one) and two brownies with frozen non dairy treat on top. 
That... was a mistake. I kept it down for all of like 30 minutes. I found out that you're supposed to actually have a high protein snack to break the fast, then a few hours later, eat a high protein small meal. Not pizza and brownies, no matter how hungry you are. So like, a few hours after the pizza, I had some plant based jerky, and I felt fine, so now I'm going to try a refried bean and rice burrito, see if I can handle it.  I don't think I lost nearly as much as I wanted, but weight cycling is a process, and I'll get better hips and stuff soon, just gotta eat normal for a week or so, then try juice fasting again for another 5 days. I think it'll help in the long run at least, and I felt sooooo good while I was on the fast, wth, I felt so powerful and energetic, it was amazing...
Overall I think it was a good experiment, and I did lose a bit of weight that I'll be able to gain back in the right places, but... I don't have a ton to lose, so it's hard to lose what I have. It is what it is.

My parents still haven't quite gotten over me coming out, my dad said he wanted to call and talk it over with me, but he wanted to wait until he had time to process it, but that was like almost two weeks ago, and... nothing. So I think he's not accepting it and just doesn't want to say. My brother E is going to come to my rescue though, he's coming down in a few weeks, and he's going to tell them "accept her, or you can't come to my wedding" lol. We shall see how that works, but it's really nice to know he's so firmly supporting me, he's great.

Until next time,

Erica

It's Tuesday! I've been having some trouble with Neocities recently, I don't really know how, but it un-posted two of my most recent posts, and I had to go in and re-make them (Luckily I compose my posts in cryptpad so they were still there) but it's such an odd problem, and I'm not sure why they're not staying up... I'm new to this whole "website" thing, so like, maybe it's something simple I'm just missing. I also lied in my last post. I haven't been checking discord, so... I have no idea if anyone has joined, and I'm really really sorry if you have, I'll be back soon, I just think I need a break, and discord isn't super healthy for you.

Speaking of healthy, I've been trying a juice fast! I haven't had any solid foods since Saturday night, so like... 60 hours without eating? It's been fun, I thought I'd be hungry and get headaches, but I really haven't at all! I have been drinking tea, fruit juice, and V8 instead of eating, and I really like it. I like the way I feel inside, and my mind feels so weirdly sharp, like there's no static or brainworms at all! I want to wait until Friday night to eat because that's pizza night with lil sister, and the vegan pizzas we get are kinda small, but like, she only eats a few pieces and I don't want them to go bad in the fridge. I have thought about breaking the fast on Thursday night instead, make it a 5 day fast, which is supposed to be a starter fast, but I'm not sure. I eventually want to get up to the 14-30 day fasts, but I don't know how I'd do on one of those? 
I'm mostly doing it to shrink my stomach capacity, boost my metabolism, and start the process of weight cycling so I can be the right shape, but I'm not sure if it'll work. I'm still making sure to hit my 10k-20k steps a day, and working out every night, so I should still stay healthy even though I'm having way more sugar than I'm used to in the juice (I usually have like, one cookie a day or something, sugar wise)

My parents still haven't said anything about me coming out, it's... stressful. My dad said he'd call when he processed it, but it's been 5 days and nothing, so eeek... I did see my mom Saturday though, I tried to talk about it with her but she just said I was "jumping into it all at once" like I haven't been wearing affirming clothes and wearing makeup in private for almost 8 years at this point, much less the past 12 years online I've been presenting as a girl, or the times in my childhood I'd borrow her or my sister's clothes, or all my self insert characters in my stories being girls, or... Well there's a lot. I've been building up to it for a long, long time, and I should have come out and started HRT like 8 years ago, when I finally said "I can't fight this any more, I'm trans". I really regret not doing that. At the time I was like "Well, early 20s is way too late for HRT, I'll never look how I want, why try at all?" and now here I am 7-8 years later almost 6 months in to HRT seeing changes in my face and skin that I never thought possible. If I had started back then, I'd most likely pass now, and have a different job where I could come out without being fired (Although I'm 75% sure they know, at least one coworker called me out on it and I had to be like "oh, uhh, yeah, I'm queer but I don't want to get into specifics at work" and she just kinda looked at me like 'ok, yeah')
I have what I have, and I still have roughly 2.5 more years to go before I see who I am on the other side of HRT, and... I really hope I like her, because I'm putting a lot of hope in these little pills. I know some people say HRT can keep changing you for 5+ years, but realistically, most of the changes happen in 3, so that's what I'm looking ahead for. My end goal is to be able to walk down the street or through a store and not be called slurs or made fun of, because no one can tell. I've been told I could pass with good makeup or the right clothes, but I am kinda tall and I am bad at makeup lol. If I lose the 3 inches some other women lose on HRT I'll be the right hight, and I can get better at makeup, but we'll have to see how good it looks overall. For now, I have a very fem covid mask that I wear when I go out, and I've been 'ma'am'ed a few times in it, so it's very helpful!

I also finished reading that book I have been working on all week! It was called 'LOTE' by Shola von Reinhold, and it was very well written. It had a feeling of importance the whole time, and it did that thing where it jumped between the story and parts of other books and then back again without warning. It felt very... Crafted, like it was very deliberately written in a way which would draw the reader in and then offset them over and over again. It follows a lady named Mathilda(maybe?) who is studying individuals she calls her "transfictions", most notably Hermia Druit, a black poet from Scotland who seems to have been fully forgotten by history. She is very obsessed with this person, to the point she lies her way into a residency at a place engaging in a concept called "thought art", which is very boring and pretty much the opposite of Mathilda's personality. I think it's a really fun book that has a strong focus on black european history and a ton of queerness, and it really felt like something the author poured herself into and filled in all the little cracks of the story with bits of herself. It was a harder read than the books I've read recently, and I really liked that, it made me think, made me focus on meanings and connections. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in black history or turn of the century high society.

The next book I read, this week's comic, was "Sad Girl Space Lizard" by Iggy Craig. I had a lot of fun reading it, and while it does have a sketchy style, it is another 18+ comic, but not as much as the last one I mentioned. I'm kinda trying to reconnect to my 'adultness' and for the past almost 2 years, I've had little to no interest in anything 18+, so engaging in comics like this that have it but also have a different story and overall meaning will hopefully help me to re-grow interest in adult stuff, because... I know it's really hard to find a partner that will be ok with you never being 'interested' in them... The story itself is about two space lizards, Left and Right who live in a giant mech, and are fighting off big worms in space, it's mostly about tension and frustration and built up sexual energy and misplaced aggression, but it's got a lot about self acceptance and self recontextualization too. I like the art style, and the "big buff girl and little twig girl" dynamic is fun too. Overall, I think it's a fun, semi-serious look at a world where dragons and anoles can pilot mechas and work through anger and self loathing by kissing, and I think that's sweet.

This post's song is... hmm, how about "Severed Hand" by Local News Legend. It's a song about the singer's life and how everything in it builds up and just makes stuff that she know should be bad just... wash by her. I feel that. I don't know everything she's gone through, but I do know that feeling, I feel it myself. She says "I've seen more dead bodies than I would really like to share / And sometimes I look deep into the mirror and try to cut my hair / But I see fear and shame and everything a girl just shouldn't feel / I see a girl who's tired / A girl who isn't real" and that sensation of un-real, the feeling of being someone else from the person in the mirror, seeing your emotions like they're on someone else, I hate that, and I feel better about myself knowing other people get that same feeling. I actually met the singer/writer for this one once, Emily, and we chatted for a bit. We didn't talk about this one, but we did talk about another of her songs that I'll put as the daily song in the future. She was really nice, and it was one of my favorite concerts I've been to, just 20-30 people in the back of an unused building sitting on the grass. It was really nice...

Until next time,

Erica

Hello! I've been very overwhelmed with a lot of stuff and honestly haven't read or written all week really. Kinda sucks, idek what I did instead??? I don't have any social media, I played a video game one time, but... Other than that, I'm not sure what happened this week. My stomach kinda hurts, and has since Sunday when I came out to my mom, and I wrote a letter to my dad coming out to him, and he read it last night. Both he and my mom were basically like "That sucks, let me think about it" and... I have no idea how they took it or how they are feeling about it, and they're being very diplomatic about it which makes me wonder if they're not ok, and trying to hide it. It's tricky and pretty rough, I just wish I knew.

I also got in a huge fight with some friends this week, we argued for hours and hours about stupid political stuff. I don't even like political stuff, I just like, know what I believe, and I don't believe in supporting the "lesser" of two evils. They called me "not fluent in geopolitics" and implied that I was only a leftist for selfish moral reasons. Straight up told me I may as well stay home in the elections if I'm going to vote socialist. Idk, I think I need a wider circle of friends, but also I think that maybe it's time to delete discord. It's my only social media (if you can call it that, I only talk in two private servers), and I'm feeling like it's starting to have an effect on me. There's a ton of reasons why I don't do any kind of social media, and I'm kinda starting to wonder why I'm making an exception here. I already have to leave it for days and days at a time because of the brainworms, and when I do go on it, I just argue and fight. I guess I just keep it because it's the easiest way to talk to my brother, E. He doesn't text much I think, and we use the discord voice call to chat and game at the same time (Usually I play FFXIV and he plays Overwatch) so I'd hate to lose that connection with him.
I'm not going to delete my account on discord yet, and I'll be checking in time to time to see if anyone joined my server for this website (still no one yet, but I have hope!) but I am seriously thinking about it. I don't think people want me around in the servers I'm in, usually only one person responds to me in one server and it's to argue half the time. Everyone seems to talk way more when I'm not there, so... I think I'm bringing it all down. Which is understandable, I'm obviously not like, super easy to talk to (or read I'd imagine) so I get why people tend to ignore my stuff, I'm not salty, just... kinda lonely.

I just wish I knew how to meet people in real life. I got invited to a protest last night, and I almost went, but I had a chemical burn and I wanted to take care of it so I didn't go. All the people there got tear gassed and my friend got beat up on by cops, so... That's really scary. I want to be able to be there and make a difference, and yeah, I admit it, there's a level of guilt that I'm not out there doing it (I know that's the wrong reason to protest, but it's been weighing on me) so I want to go out there and help, I really do, but I'm so scared of going in public at all, much less a place where I'm going to be tear gassed and beaten and arrested. I feel like such a loser for not being out there, for not helping to fight for Palestine's freedom, for a socialist America (I'd prefer an Anarcho-Syndicalist America but socialism is cool too). Idk, one day I hope.
think if I could meet people irl, other trans women, I'd be more... grounded? I'd have a better grasp on what's real and who I can trust and what to expect and stuff. Plus I don't really have any close trans women friends. I used to have a couple, but one is terf-y and one... doesn't talk to me anymore, just sends the occasional emote or "oofles" when I try to talk to her. It's really sad, and I really, really want more friends who are like me. I joined a discord recently that was supposed to be for LGBTQ+ FFXIV players, and I was excited because everyone knows, like, a third of the playerbase is trans women stg. But when I joined, it seemed to all be masc people doing all the talking, and like, I don't have problems being friends with masc people (it seems like those are the only friends I have atm) but like, I wanted fem friends, someone to talk about stuff with that masc people tend to... not enjoy or care about. Someone to ask advice or just chat with I guess. I've never had the chance to be "one of the girls" and that sounds pretty nice ngl. Sorry for rambling, I've just got a lot on my mind, and I'm not sure what to do or where to go. I feel like I need a change, a fresh start, but I can't imagine a fresh start where things would be better, so maybe not?

I've been having trouble writing lately, and looking back at the stuff I've written, it's kinda bad. I'll need to go over and re-write what I have before I share it, but I don't want to do that until I'm done with everything in the story. I think my skills are slipping, despite me trying to write more frequently. I almost want to take a break from my fiction stuff and type up some of my spiritual stuff I believe, but I think if I did, I wouldn't go back to the story, and I'm so, so close to finishing. Like, less than a third left.

Anyway, no book talk or music recommendations today, maybe soon when I can finish the book I started this week, or when I can think about music more clearly than I can now. Hopefully soon!

Until next time,

Erica

Well, I think I have begun to slip again, Luckily the brainworms aren't there now, but the static is, and it's getting a bit loud. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I'm thinking it's some kind of emotional distress that lasts and lingers in the back of my mind long after the thing that set me off has left. Yesterday I waxed poetic for a while in one of the discords I'm in (not the one linked in the sidebar, that one is still empty) and I talked about humanity and the innermost desires and lights of someone, and the desire to be a human animal, to embrace your basest desires of love, lust, violence, empathy, passion, impulse, the real stuff, the stuff at your center that wasn't put there by trauma or an ad or people who force ideas on people when they don't understand them. The place where my spirituality comes from, my fire and light and danger and pain, the place I can feel and know that I'm trans from. The human underneath the humanity.

I was very passionate about it, I was really trying to word it in the best, most raw way possible. I really wanted others to understand what I meant and what I was saying from my heart. But the only one of my friends who even engaged with my instantly started comparing me to Tyler Durden (which, ew, that's the far opposite of what I was saying wtf) and trying to tie my ideas into the Persona video games. It just... really felt like a cheapening of what I was saying, like it sucked out the light and energy and turned it into something to consume. I hate that, so, so much.
And apparently the way I described thing and tried to get my ideas across were too gory and graphic, and gave this friend nightmares last night, which... just made me feel really shitty. For one, I ruined their night, and for another, it makes it really hard to know how to express myself in that group now. I wasn't trying to be scary or gory, I was just trying to say things as my emotions felt them, and I guess that was too much. It also makes it hard to want to share my writing with that friend, who is literally the only person aside from my brother and sister who has even shown any kind of interest at all in reading my work. If what I was saying yesterday made them uncomfortable and gave them nightmares, I can't in good conscience let them read the kind of thing I write in my fiction, I'm actually TRYING to have scary stuff in there.
Idk, hopefully whenever I finish the story, all my readers will love it and join the discord and talk to me about it!

Speaking of my readers... I broke 100 views on this website! I know that's not a lot, but I'm proud of it, and I think it's really cool that at least some real people have read what I have to say (I know most are bots, but still). I wanted to celebrate somehow, but I can't think of anything, so I guess this post is the celebration!

I... Also came out to my mom on Sunday, that night after my post. It went ok, she didn't use my real name or pronouns, but... it's hard to do that in a conversation with that person, it's kinda awkward, so I get it. She let me talk to my little brothers, so I think I'll still be allowed to see them, and she has been texting me a bit so she's not cutting me off. I do still have to come out to my dad though, not sure how I'm going to do that, it's... very scary. Idk, maybe I just call him up one day and say "Hey, dad, good news, you have another daughter!" Or something. I know he wants to have a relationship with "me", but I'm not sure he would want a relationship with ME. There's a wedge between us already, partly because of this, partly because of... Stuff that happened when I was 10-18-ish, and partly because he's been really dangerous to be around for long periods of time during my childhood. My mom says he's getting better, and that he's ok now, but like, those were my formative years, it's hard to shake that.

I've not finished the most recent book I'm reading, I'm at the halfway point though. It's a very dense book content-wise, and it's by design. It's very beautifully written, and I'm really looking forward to telling you about it because I'm really enjoying it so far! Hopefully I finish it soon, work has me running around like crazy, so... Maybe soon. 

Today's song is "Practical Effects" by The Great Twitch. It's another beautifully violent love song, a wonderfully painfully toxic relationship founded on mutual hurt. The line "Existence is a prison but I'll share a cell with you" perfectly matches what I need in a romantic relationship, and the verse "Who needs a knife when you have nails / Crocheting blankets from entrails / Cuddling up beneath them next to you" is just so... eloquent. The whole song is a wonderful mix of love and violence and madness and hurt. It's not a "healthy" song, but I understand every line and where it comes from (yeah I know that says a lot about me) but despite the darkness and pain, it still feels hopeful, it's about a transformation through suffering, mutual suffering, and it's so comforting to hear. It's made me cry several times tbh. I really think you should go listen to it, I think it's worth hearing at least once even if you don't enjoy it.

Until next time,

Erica

Hello all! I have been working on my story, and... it's finally 17,500 words! (actually 18,300) but that means it's no longer a story, and it's now a novella! I know, I know, it took me 15 days to write about 3k-4k words, it's not great, but with the... issues from last week I think it's ok. I'll hopefully be working much harder on it this week, I am done with the big presentation, and hopefully my boss accepts it, it's a TON of money, but I did my part, it's up to him to accept it. But that means I won't be doing early morning meetings and calls and staying late to finish spreadsheets and stuff, so hopefully I'll have more energy to write!

In other news, me and my lil sister tried the new "Nuka Victory" soda! It was a promotion with the fallout show (which was great btw, The Ghoul is the best) and both her and I love the games (well, she's only played 4, but that still counts) so we got some of the soda! One of our bottles was kinda wonky, so that's the one we chose for the taste test, and one was perfect, so I'm putting that one with my other soda bottles.

The soda itself was pretty yummy, it had a good color to it, it wasn't as glow-y as the game version, but it was very neon, which was really fun


We each got about half the bottle and tried to give our first impressions. I said it was very sweet, and had a much stronger peach flavor than mango, with a little bit of bitterness under the sweet overlay, and a very underwhelming, flat aftertaste. She said it was very good, and wants to see it on shelves full time, and said it wasn't very sweet, and she didn't taste the bitterness, and said the peach and mango was blended very well. She drinks wayyyy more soda than I do (I'll have a red bull once a week, maybe once every two weeks, she drinks monsters and dr pepper like water) so the difference in how we experienced the sweetness made sense
Overall, I think it was a fun, tasty soda that is worth picking up from Jones if they have any left, I won't be getting any more, but it's worth trying at least.

I haven't read any books since we last spoke (I know, I like telling you about books, I just haven't had a chance) but I did pick out my next one to read, it's going to be more serious I think, and I'm looking forward to it! hopefully I'll have it finished soon and I can let you know how it was!

Today's song is "Cannibal Girlfriend" by Baby Bugs. It's a song about... well, most likely abuse and a toxic relationship actually, but it SOUNDS like a song about a lesbian cannibalistic relationship where the singer is fully willing to give up chunks of herself, her blood, her very heart for the sake of her girlfriend... I really like the imagery, and the way the singer seems enamored and head over heals for the cannibal is adorable, I really love that dynamic, and I think it's a very sweet song when taken at face value.

Until next time,

Erica

I'm back, fully back to myself and feeling fine! I don't really know what caused it but like I'm glad it's over, for now at least. I'm working on a really big project at work (the kind of thing that could triple the value of the whole company) and I'm... fairly stressed about it because I'm getting pushback from one of the people who makes the decision. I really think it'd be good for the company, and I think it'd be good long term because we're not outpacing inflation as it is, but... The bosses don't seem to want change so aaaagh it's frustrating... I've spent like three weeks on it so far (...ok, maybe not as much last week obviously) and I drove hours to meet with people and stayed late to get spreadsheets done, and the boss is just being like "welllll I don't know it's a good idea to change..." while we're losing value every single year with no end in sight. I am kinda biased against the boss as it is already anyway because he's an ass and kinda hits on me in the most awkward way possible. I'm not like, out to him? but people have told me it's obvious at this point, so maybe that's it, but he's... gross about it, which sucks. I avoid him if I can. I'd quit, but I need the paycheck to pay my bills, so I'm in a gilded cage, as my friend put it. I could look for another job, but with me having a 2 year degree instead of a 4 year one, and only about 6-7 years of management experience I would be taking a big paycut. And they most likely wouldn't let me wear unisex jumpsuits to work. That's a nice perk. Maybe I'll start looking seriously if this deal falls through due to his short sighted-ness though, if I wasn't here, I could interview places as my real self, and get hired as a woman, and not have to worry about the game of "how much 'me' can I show before I get in trouble? Painted nails are not ok? alright, how about jewelry? Only some? Hmm..". If that happens... I may come out to my parents too. I risk not being able to see my siblings, but... I'd be myself all the time, never having to wear a disguise, and that would be so freeing...

In non-rant-y news... Book review! Ok, so I admit it... I skipped ahead in my reading list this week... I didn't even check what was next, I just dug wayyyyyy down the stack to get to book 2 of the Nemesis series; Sovereign. I really wanted more trans superhero stuff, what can I say. I really don't like much superhero content to be honest, DC and Marvel are usually kinda "eh" to me (with exceptions of course) and the movies are stale by now, but I love the IDEA of superheroes. I love love love Worm by Wildbow, and The Boys and Invincible are both pretty good, but other than that I don't consider myself a fan of much superhero stuff at all. The Nemesis series has 100% made my list of super powered stuff I love, no question. I love the queer-centric story, the characters, the world and lore that's slipped in, the writing is super fun, and it's in first person present tense, which is one of my favorite ways to read, although I have trouble writing in it at times. I thought that the second book was much better than the first one (not saying the first one wasn't amazing though) and it had even more of a feeling of maturity and gravitas about the topics it discussed. I think the developing changes in the character's relationships were really well done, and we got a lot of interesting fights too that highlighted the issues with being a human, with issues, but also a human with power, through the eyes of someone we see as a good person. There was a bit of that in the first book, but I think the second book pulled it off more often and a bit more impactfully, especially a couple scenes in particular. I am glad I skipped ahead, and I really really want the author April Daniels to write more! The book is about 7 years old now, and it came out the same year as the first one, so... I can only hope that means we're going to see an absolute monster of a book for part 3, maybe 500-600 pages? Please?... A girl can hope at least lol.

This week's comic was "Influenca" by Jade LFT Peters, and....... Oh boy it was just about the sweetest thing I've read in a while... Disclaimer for my readers, it's 18+ and it earns that very strongly (there was discussion among the author's friends if it counted as porn) but even if you're not into that stuff (like I'm not) it's still SO worth a read. It's about a team of two zombie hunters in the post apocalypse, and they are also social media influencers! They fight zombies, save lives, and post hot instagram pics with their weapons and gear, and they are sooooo in lesbians with each other. It's really cute and sweet and just such a heartwarming little comic, it's so short, but I really think it's worth it. My copy had a scent to it, ink for sure, but maybe also... floral? I'm not sure if it was meant to, I ordered it from Silver Sprocket directly and the other stuff I get from them doesn't have a scent, but like, I didn't hate it?? It may have just been the ink, I know ink can be sweet smelling sometimes, and this book JUST came out like, idk, a month ago so that may be it, but I liked it. As for what the ink was used for, I really like the art style, the squiggles on the cheeks of the characters is charming, and the body of "the muscle" (Dodie) was refreshingly realistic, despite being absolutely jacked. I always like that in strong characters, yeah I like stronk people as much as the next girl, but let me see scars, body fat, poor posture, like, real people stuff. I eat that up, and Peters really nailed it for me in this comic..

I found a new song that makes me sooooo happy too I wanted to share, it's an older one, so you may have heard of it, but it's called "The Horror of Our Love" by Ludo, it's so romantic and beautiful, the line "Hold you down and tear you open,- Live inside you, love, I'd never hurt you - But I'll grind against your bones until our marrows mix - I will eat you slowly" gives me chills... It's such a song about pure love and passion and the desire to be fully with someone, to be inside them and to have them inside you, to mix and blend and fulfil yourselves with each other's bodies and it's mutual! That's the important part, it's both people in the song clashing and crushing and eating and drowning the other, and it's from love... I think it's a wonderful song, and the artist had a great quote about it that I'll share here; "This song is about profoundly loving (or lusting after) someone so overflowingly that it devastates you. Where your physical person cannot possibly contain your emotion, but that emotion still begs for physical expression. And even still, no affection or act or word can satisfy it."

I feel that in the song, I want that for myself, and I think the fact that such an emotion, a description for that emotion exists in the form of a fun song just makes me happy...

Until next time,

Erica

I think I'm starting to feel a little bit better, I think typing and reading helps a lot. I have been... listening to a LOT of music lately to shut out the stuff I don't want to think about, and as a result I barely got any done on my story. I feel so bad about it because I started this blog TO post stories, but that part of my brain is so foggy and I think without someone experienced to help me edit I really don't think it's going to be very good. I am much better at writing stuff like this, or like, writing descriptions or rules and stuff, I can FLY through that stuff, it's soooo easy; worldbuilding? Zooooom, 10k words in a day. No prob. But story stuff is a lot harder, it's tricky and it needs to be detailed and special. I love it and I NEED to get my stories and ideas out, even if it's hard. I just want this period of... idk, mania? sometimes? Whatever this is that I'm going through, I want it over so I can write more easily and just... get stuff done, create, share my insides! Idk, maybe not, maybe I need to learn to use the fog and static, or at least how to work through it, if I wait around for the perfect headspace to write in, I'll write once a month tops.

Anyway, since we last spoke, I read "Stitches" by Hirokatsu Kihara and Junji Ito. It was a series of short scary stories published in a serialization and then collected, and I was pretty excited for it, I thought "Oh, I bet it'll be like Scary Stories to Tell in The Dark, but with Junji Ito doing the art instead of Stephen Gammell!" and... not really... It lacked all sense of dread and actual fear that most short horrors strive for (even kid's horror) and all of the stories had such lackluster endings it just felt like the author was pulling back to not scare anyone "too bad". As a result, the "scary" stories were just stories with unexplained supernatural happenings. The best part was by far Ito's art, but even that lacked his usual passion and detail, the only pieces that really stood out to me as something that felt like him were the spreads of Mrs A, and The Lips, the rest just... didn't feel like he cared that much. I was pretty disappointed in it, and not just because I spent $17 I didn't have to spend on a mid book, but because I really feel like if the two creators put a little more edge and passion into it, it really could have been what I was hoping for...

I also read Viscera Objectica by Yugo Limbo! I looooove their first book, Be Kind, My Neighbor and I was really hoping this book captured the sweet, sensual, atypical feeling of love that that one did, and I really think it did! I can't quite relate to the character or the real life people listed in the back, but I still understand it. I've always felt there's a sort of "character" to some objects, some things are just... more than things. I have a teddy bear named Roger (modeled after Bridget's Roger from GGS) and like, yeah, he's 100% more than an object. He's not the same Roger from the game, he's a new unique individual that just happens to live in the body of a teddy bear that looks like that Roger. He's got a nice, pretty amber aura inside him that I can feel if I close my eyes and let myself sink into him, and like, there's a call and response going on with him. He doesn't "talk" ofc, but I can ask him questions and get "vibes" or feel what he's intoning, even if no words were used. I'm not sure when he "woke up" but I think it was because he's soooooo good to hug, and I used him as a huggable fear/anxiety blocker a lot, so I was using him to get good feelings, and block the bad ones, and when you hold something to your chest and focus on it, especially in times of great emotion, yeah, you put power into it. Usually that power just... Stays there? It doesn't turn into anything, unless you make a sigil or a servator or something, so I'm... honestly not sure what Roger is or how he is, but he IS. And that's all that really counts to me. It's not... really the same as the comic, but... I can understand there being more powerful feelings attracted to a "non living" thing.

Today I've been listening to "Transvestites Can Be Cannibals Too" by Harley Poe. I don't really love the term 'transvestite' tbh bc people seem to equate it to transgender people just because it has the word "trans" in it, but I think it fits well in the context of the song, and I support people who identify with that term, so even if, yeah, it's a kinda offensive term that nowadays has devolved into being used as a slur against trans people (who are largely a different group altogether), I think the song is amazing and I love it, and Joe Whiteford can obviously use whatever term he chooses to refer to himself. To me the song highlights identity and self expression in all aspects of your life, and how even parts of you that don't seem to have anything to do with each other reflect and change other parts of your life and how you see those parts too. Plus the obvious message of "be yourself, fuck the world and eat anyone who disagrees" is great, we need more "fuck it, eat them" responses to people who hate and degrade others.

Until next time,

Erica

Hey all, I'm feeling a bit better today. Not "better" better, but better. The static is fading and it's getting more manageable, but the brainworms are still in full swing let me tell ya... Lots of stuff I don't like going in and out of my thought process. I'm alone at work today, and that's a blessing, because I don't know if I could talk like a normal person right now. Typing is ok though, it's like, I can see the words so they don't get away from me. Last time I was like this around people at work people avoided me because they couldn't really understand my train of thought I think. I've been having a rough day either way though, I always do after the static goes away, it's like all the stuff that was hidden in the static just BAM comes back in full all at once. I almost threw up from dysphoria earlier, and it's getting pretty bad today and idk how to stop it. I really am doing better than yesterday though, despite the issues and scary thoughts and stuff, just being able to feel myself in my body is pretty good I think.

I know I usually wait a few days between posts, but like, I wanted to get my impressions of a book I read today out while they were still fresh. I didn't have TOO much work today, so I read an entire book (and a comic) in one sitting (minus the couple of times I got up and paced for a while bc I can't sit still). It was called "Dreadnought" by April Daniels, and it's the first book in the "Nemesis" series, which currently has like, 2 books. I'm not gonna lie, I got this one because I was hoping it'd read like a slightly more queer version of the Parahumans universe by Wildbow, and... well, not to compare the two too strongly, but it very much nailed that vibe for me. It has a trans girl character (and I do mean girl, she's only 15) who is shifted into a new, gender affirming body after a run-in with a superhero. It's a very "I wanted this to happen to me, so I wrote about it happening to my character" kind of story, and it is awesome for that, I too wanted that exact thing to happen to me at that age, so I relate. I really enjoyed it, despite it being for, well, 15 year olds, and it has a hint of maturity under the teen friendly writing. I usually don't like stuff that's for teens exclusively, but this one hooked me, through both engaging writing and a very queer narrative. It deals with serious political topics, but it also makes sure to highlight the interesting ways someone's life changes after transitioning, and how it's not an easy path even if you could transition instantly. I will 100% be reading the sequel, and I look forward to seeing Danny's journey as the series goes on.

I also read Julia Kaye's second "Super Late Bloomer” collection; My Life In Transition. It wasn't as tear inducing as the first one, but it WAS a good read. I love her honesty and openness about her life, and while she's years ahead of me in both physical and social transitioning, I could still see myself in a lot of the comics, and it was pretty fun to read too. I like to swap between comics and word books to let myself kinda have a variety, but I think I only have a few comics left, and my word book "to-read" pile is up to my ribs. Like, it's actually up to my ribs now. I can't afford books right now (or much of anything really) so it's a comfort to know I have that many to go before I need to restock, but still, it's like... "I want all of the stuff in these in my brain ASAP!" so it pulls me in two directions.

I think typing out stuff in this blog is really helping me be more stable, it feels nice to talk to... no one I guess, but the great void of anyone! It's like, someone COULD see this, and it's a comfort. I need to work more on my story, and I think maybe tomorrow I'll be up to it, but I think this blog is more important for my mind than the stories I want to put here.

That said, I still want to share my work with you, of course.

Until next time,

Erica

Hi, I got some work done yesterday after lil sister left, but not as much as I would have liked. My head hurts a lot right now and I'm not sure why, but maybe it's my teeth. Like 5 weeks ago dentist told me I needed to get fillings after a cleaning recently, even though they didn't hurt, and I got the fillings done, and now the teeth she drilled hurt so so bad even though they didn't before, and there's like, sandpaper on them. She was like "you need root canals now" and I didn't before so I'm pretty sure she fucked with my teeth to get me to be stuck going to the dentist, but fuck her, I cancelled my appointments. I'm supposed to talk to another dentist in a couple weeks and see if this one knows better and won't hurt me but who knows.

I think my teeth are making my head hurt, but also making the brainworms and static worse too, idk if it's bc I can't eat or drink without hurting my teeth and I've got no nutrients, or if it's just the pain, but today I'm just static and brain worms. It takes so much effort to focus and push the worm-thoughts out enough to type this and I've had to fix almost every word I typed, it's so frustrating. I have a steady bzzzbzbbbzzzzzbzz in my head too, the static, and that also makes it hard to focus, but I can usually drown that and the brainworms out by playing music (I averaged 11 hours a day on Spotify last year according the little wrap up they do lol) but in this mood it's like, the music isn't doing much tbh.

I'm really trying to write, I am, I really want my brother to read the story, and one of my other friends said they would read it if it wasn't too scary and I don't think it is at all, so like that's two readers, plus you guys, my sacred council (members: 0) so we'll have at least two readers. My mom also wants to read it, I think I mentioned it to her when I was in a weird way, I don't usually loop her into my projects but she knows now somehow. I don't think it's very gender, at least not a lot, so maybe she can read it. I haven't told her I'm trans yet, although I wear my real clothes around her and use my real voice and paint my nails and stuff, but she doesn't come over much so she can still fake obliviousness until I tell her plainly. The issue is, she can stop me from seeing my 4 youngest siblings if I do come out, and I love them so much... I really want to be a mom, and getting to hang out with them and ask about their days, and give them popsicles and pizza and play board games or video games with them makes me feel motherly, even if it's really just big sister stuff. I'm very worried that I will lose them. My mom is sweet too, she's just... very phobic. she sobbed when my brother came out as bi, and cried every time his name came up for weeks. He has a gf now tho, so I think she is pretending it "doesn't count" or smth. My dad will probs stop talking to me tho if I come out so... That'd be nice lol. 

I need to figure out why I keep having these overwhelming waves of static and brainworms, I know I can stop it if I can find out why I keep losing myself to it. This post has taken so, so long to write and I'm so hungry, idk. I need to go to therapy, but I need to figure out my teeth first, but maybe once my teeth get healed, or all taken out and replaced with spikey ones to bite chunks off people with then I can afford and have the me for therapy. I am really tired, so I will leave you to it dear reader, and wish me luck in actually getting some work done soon so I can share the content I created this site to share

Until next time,

Erica

Hello reader! I have been working like I said, but the work has been coming slowly... I am only up to 15k words, in 2 whole days... It's not no progress though, just not as much as I wanted. I do have a correction to make however, my story is actually not a story! It is a novella, or at least it will be in another 2,500 words, which it will hit very easily as there is still a loooot to go. It's not the longest thing I've ever written by a long shot (that would be a 300 page TTRPG I made from scratch) or the longest thing I've written recently (40k-50k on a novel I'm writing) but it is the longest thing I'm going to FINISH in the most recent times. I'm not going to rest or wait a second until it's done! Unless I have to go to work, or watch something, or play a game, or... Well, I'm still working hard. I can't work much this weekend because my lil sister lives with me 3-4 days a week and it's kinda rude to like, zone out and bang away on a clackity clack keyboard for hours while someone's trying to sleep or play Animal Crossing right there... 

Today is my 5 month anniversary of starting HRT by the way! It's not a big milestone like 6 months or a year, but it's the first milestone I've actually noticed. It's not working quite like I wanted (read: not as fast lol) but it is working! I have seen a lot of changes in my skin and face, and I thiiiink my body hair? It's hard to tell bc I keep it all gone, so there's none there anyway. The big change ofc is boobs, I have them now! They are noticeable and everything, I have to be careful at work, like slouch a specific way, or they stick out. I did gain like, 7-8 lbs, but it's not too noticeable because I'm like, kinda lanky anyway. But yeah, 5 months! It's really cool to feel the changes! I painted my nails a lovely watermelon as a celebration, but in the shower I cracked one by accident... Just split it right apart, made it all jagged and ugly, kinda sad...

I finished "Brainwyrms" by Alison Rumfitt today, and it was just as good as I thought it'd be! I still recommend it, and the last half of the book got suuuuper fucked up and mmmm I love it. It's a nice, cozy kind of fucked up with parasites and toxic relationships that makes you feel safer in your life to read. After that, I read a couple volumes of a comic my lil sister wanted me to check out called "Unfamiliar", and THAT was a tone shift, it was cute and fluffy and funny and gay, and I see why she liked it, but it helped me get back into the "vibe" of real life after reading half of Brainwyrms in one sitting.

Other that that, not much new news to report, so I'll leave you to it! I'm going to watch a movie with lil sis, something Wes Anderson, nnnot sure what, but it'll be fun either way! Don't forget the discord server too if you want to chat, the link is in my "about me" to the left there, if you have an account, you should join it!

Until next time,

Erica

Hello friends! It is I, Erica, back again. I've been working hard on trying to get the story I'm working on finished to put up here for all of you, and I think it's going pretty well so far! I'm just shy of 13k words, and I'm getting to the crux of the work, so it should flow quickly from there. I'm having a little trouble writing overall because it's hard to focus sometimes, and stuff in my emotional life keeps messing with me, but other times I can channel that raw emotional energy and just fly, I like those times.

Tonight I'm writing a bit, but mostly I'm just hanging out and watching scary videos, because I don't quite have the energy to focus as much as I need to to write on a story. According to one of my friends some of the issues I'm having in my body and brain is because I'm not getting the right vitamins in me, and I need to start taking pre-natal vitamins with omegas and iron, which... I guess is kinda euphoria inducing to think about? (I REALLY want to be a mom, so bad lol) but at the same time I feel bad bc... I'm not pre-natal, I just eat the wrong stuff bc of my dietary restrictions, and it feels bad to take the medicine meant for mothers. Who knows though, maybe the universe will bless me with a child if I take them! I'm... not sure how that would be possible, but I can hope if nothing else.

Ultimately, if taking them improves my drive to write (and stops my teeth from feeling weird), then I'll take them. I really want to be an author who can crank out toooons of stuff all the time, and I know I'm not really very good right now, but the more I write and the more stuff I put out, the better I'll be!

I wanted to set up a discord server and share it here, hopefully make some new friends, so if you're interested in joining we'd love to have you! Well, I would, it's just me at the moment. You can find it here!

I've been reading a really good book called "Brainwyrms" by Alison Rumfitt. When I saw it, I was amazed, because it was about a trans woman and it was called Brainwyrms?? I have intrusive thoughts a lot due to some mental stuff, and I call those thoughts "Brainworms" because of the way they worm around and hide and pop up and push other stuff out of the way to get to the surface, so I instantly bought it. I'm only half way through so far, but... I really enjoy it, it's just the right kind of fucked up, and it's making me feel a lot better about the direction my own writing takes sometimes. Like I said, I'm not done, but as of now I'd recommend it for those with strong stomachs for sure.

Hopefully next time I update I'll have a story to share! It may be a while because I want my brother E to be the first one to read it, and he's very busy, so it may take a while for him to finish it even if I do manage to finish it this week. But that's ok, he's working very hard to be able to move back to my state and I'll get to see him again, so he can take all the time he needs!

Until next time,

Erica

Hello, my name is Erica, and I am an amateur writer in my late 20's. I like to write horror, fantasy, sci-fi, and sometimes romance. I haven't been published yet, but I have three major projects I am working on right now that I hope to see on store shelves one day!

I spend most of my time reading, writing, and trying to learn new things about our world. Right now I'm writing a story I hope to share here for everyone to read! It's about a girl with grey skin and hair in a fantasy town learning more about herself. I like to read a lot, and the last thing I read was a graphic novel called The Third Person by Emma Grove. It was very powerful, and I related a lot to the main character! I really recommend checking it out if you like queer stories. Speaking of queer stories, just as a heads up, I am trans, so many of my stories I will be putting up here will be inherently queer as a result. I write from the heart, and while I do put scary or uncomfortable things in my stories at times, those things are always there for a reason, and that reason is usually a queer one.

I may be posting a few other things on here too, I have some tea reviews I may pop on here, a few mini-essays I wrote about games and movies, and I may just get on and rant about my spiritual beliefs for a bit! This is my website, and I will do with it as I please, and that's a great feeling to have.